


Loverboy

by Daisy_space



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bottom Sirius Black, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sirius Black, Hogwarts, Lesbian Character, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Top Remus Lupin, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 20,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisy_space/pseuds/Daisy_space
Summary: Remus Lupin comes out to the marauders on their train ride into 5th year. And a young Sirius Balck seems to have caught his eye. However, Sirius is struggling to come to terms with his sexuality due to his abusive and bigoted family. This story cover's their romance over the course of 20 years, all their love and struggles.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Peter Pettigrew/Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy! I also post this story and others on my Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar. Keep an eye on Emmaline and Violet they're kinda important ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! I also post on my Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar. Kepp and eye on Emmaline & Violet they're kinda important ;)

Wolfstar Chapter 1: Remus, September 1975

Remus entered the compartment around an hour after boarding the train, as he had a meeting for his first year as a prefect. “Guess what I got from the trolley…” He said waving two chocolate bars up by his head.  
“Sweet!” James said catching the bar to split between him and Sirius. “I was just telling Sirius he should try out for the quidditch team this year! I mean, we’re 5th years now, he’d be practically guaranteed a spot for life!” James got so excited about quidditch. He got on the team in 3rd year, people call him ‘One of the best fliers of the decade.’  
“I think Sirius would be a great player! Maybe a beater?” Remus said while passing half of his chocolate bar to Peter.   
“That’s what I thought!” James exclaimed, jumping up excitedly.   
“I’ll think about it.” Sirius said while taking nibbles of his chocolate. He looked a lot thinner than he had before the break, perhaps it was the lack of double dessert in the great hall?  
“C’mon even Moony thinks you’ll be good! You have to do it, or you’ll disappoint him!” James stated, very dramatically.   
Remus looked over to Sirius for reassurance that Sirius cared about disappointing him. He didn’t know why, but the fact James thought his opinion would sway Sirius excited him.  
“My mother doesn’t want me to play.” Sirius said, focusing hard on the chocolate he was eating. Avoiding eye-contact. Remus noticed odd cuts on Sirius’ knuckles, he made a mental note to ask about them later.  
“More reason to do it!” James was practically yelling. “You love pissing off your mother!” This sentence made Sirius flinch. He wrapped his hand around his torso circling a stitch on his side with his finger.   
Remus could tell Sirius was uncomfortable, “Hey, Pads you don’t have to try out if you don’t want to. We aren’t trying to pressure you.” He pat Sirius on the shoulder as he said it.  
“Yeah, no pressure.” James sat down, trying not to look disappointed.   
Sirius screwed up his face as he was thinking. Remus didn’t know why but he really liked Sirius’s thinking face. “Ah screw it! I’ll try out!” Sirius said, smiling in excitement.   
“Yes!” James said. Jumping up and punching the air. Nearly knocking over Peter.   
They all began to excitedly talk about quidditch. The conversation then turned to how successful their plan to become animagi had been. Remus was so happy when they accepted and stayed with him when he told them he was a werewolf. He thought now would be the perfect time to tell them the other secret that has been weighing on his chest all summer. “Hey guys, can I talk to you about something.” He nervously stammered.   
“ ‘Course moons, what’s up?” James asked, eyebrows raised in curiosity.   
“Um...well...it’s- it’s just something that’s been on my chest all summer-”   
Sirius cut him off, “It’s nothing bad right?” Remus looked directly into Sirius’ concerned, grey eyes. He instantly felt lighter.   
“No...no. It’s just- I’m- I’m just-” He looked back at Sirius, he could do this. “I’m bisexual.” A wave of fear rushed over him. He shouldn’t have said that. Why did he say that?  
“Really? That’s… awesome Moony!” James stammered, trying to collect his thoughts. He smiled at Remus, this smile made all his doubts leave the train entirely.   
“That’s cool Remus, but… sorry for asking, but what is that?” Peter’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment as he asked.  
“It’s okay. Bisexual means I’m attracted to men and women equally.” He told Peter.  
“Oh...cool.” Peter went back to his chocolate, fidgeting.   
Remus looked over to Sirius, who was looking out the window biting his lip in concentration. Something was bothering the boy, Remus wondered what it could be? He was about to ask when there was a gentle knocking at the compartment door.   
They all looked up to see two bickering Ravenclaw girls, the year behind them. James gestured for them to come in.   
“Um, hello. I’m Emmaline, this is Violet.” Emmaline had dirty blonde hair, that brushed the top of her shoulders, coke bottle glasses, and a pale face spattered with freckles. Her friend, Violet had dark skin, with a few beauty marks, and curly hair pulled back into a ponytail.   
“Hello.” Peter said, awestruck by the two pretty girls that entered the compartment.  
Emmaline gave him a small wave, then turned to Sirius. “Um-” Violet poked her in the side, “Um Sirius?” He looked up at her. “Um, I-” She looked nervously at Violet, who raised her eyebrows, annoyed. “Um, I… I got a cat for getting all O’s last year. And I was wondering if you wanted to meet her?” Emmaline looked up hopefully at him.  
“Yeah, sure,” Sirius said, getting up. Remus felt his heart sink. Was Sirius really interested in this Emmaline girl? Sirius followed the girls out of the compartment. “Oh, hey, Remus,” He said turning back in the doorway and looking at Remus, “Thanks for telling us, I’m proud of you.” He smiled genuinely at Remus. Then turned and followed the girls to their compartment. Remus felt an odd flutter in his chest at seeing Sirius’ smile. Momentarily forgetting the fact He had just left to be with two girls.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2! Hope you like it! I also post on insta @Lovingwolfsstar!

Chapter 2: Remus, November 1975

“Hey Sirius, can you help me with my Astronomy Homework? You’re so much better at it.” Remus asked, looking across the great hall table to Sirius.  
“Yeah, sure. Head to the library after dinner?” Sirius said waving a potato around on his fork as he spoke.  
“Sounds great,” Remus said, returning to his meal. Smiling a little to himself, proud of finally getting some alone time with Sirius. It seemed ever since Sirius started dating Emmaline at the beginning of October, he only had time to hang out with the marauders as a whole.   
“Hey, Siri!” A cheery voice called. He looked up to see Emmaline Patricks wrapping her arms around Sirius’ shoulders from behind.  
“Hey, Em!” Sirius said brightly. He faced her as if about to kiss. They hesitated for a moment, then he kissed her on the cheek.  
“Are you busy later?” Emmaline asked, “I was wondering if you could teach me Quidditch?” She looked hopefully at him.  
“Yeah! I’m not busy! I’d love to teach you some moves.” Emmaline smiled sweetly at him. Remus felt a pang in his stomach, had Sirius already forgotten the plans they made just moments ago?  
“I’ll come get you from here in a few minutes. I just have to get my stuff from the Ravenclaw table.” Sirius nodded. They hesitated again as if about to kiss, she settled for patting him on the head and scurried off to get her stuff.   
“You two are the weirdest couple I’ve ever seen.” James stated. Sirius looked offended. “Hey, I’m allowed to say that, I’m your best friend!”  
“What makes us so weird?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.  
“You guys literally never kiss.” James bluntly said.  
“So?” Sirius said.  
“So, most of the time couples that have been together for over a month kiss!” Peter said, laughing.  
“We kiss!”  
“Since when?” James scoffed.  
“We do! Just not...infront of people.” James raised a questioning eyebrow, looking amused. “Look. Just because we’re a couple doesn’t mean we have to be on top of each other in the middle of dinner!”   
“I don’t think you two are ever on top of each other.” James laughed, and Peter nearly choked on his food. Sirius’ face turned bright red. Remus fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat, he really didn’t want to be discussing how often Sirius and his girlfriend were on top of each other.   
“Um, Sirius,” They all looked up to see Emmaline waiting patiently behind Sirius. James and Peter were trying to suppress their laughter. “Ready to go?”  
“Yeah,” Sirius said getting up and casting a glare at a smirking James. He grabbed her hand and they walked away.   
“Wait! I thought we were studying!” Remus called after him, but Sirius already left. Remus felt disappointment well up at the bottom of his stomach. It felt like recently the only thing that could make him truly worry less was spending time with Sirius. But ever since Sirius and Emmaline started dating those moments were rare, and even more precious.   
Remus waited in the library that night until Madam Pince Kicked him out. He went up to the dorm, fuming.

He entered the dorm room trying to reason with himself. Sirius had every right to spend time with his girlfriend he shouldn’t be mad. Yet, his anger & disappointment only grew the more he thought about Sirius and Emmaline. Why did he care so much? He didn’t care when Peter dated that girl for 2 weeks last year. He didn’t care when James brought that girl to the Yule Ball. Why was Sirius’ girlfriend bothering him so much? Sirius was a friend, and friends care about this stuff. Right? Doubts kept swirling in his mind. He was so caught up in his head he didn’t even hear Sirius come into the room.   
“Hey. What’s up Moony?” Sirius said. His clothes looked slightly dishevelled. But he pinned that on playing quidditch and his normal careless aesthetic.   
“I was waiting for you in the library all night!” Remus yelled, annoyed.  
“Oh sorry! I completely forgot!” Sirius said smacking his forehead. “I just got so caught up with Em. She’s even worse at flying than I thought!” He laughed.  
“Mhm,” Remus grumbled. He didn’t care about Emmaline’s flying skills. He only cared about Sirius.  
“Is everything alright Moony? You seem worked up about something?” Sirius questioned while pulling off his uniform shirt to change. Did he really have to do that right now? Seeing his toned muscles against his pale skin wasn’t helping the situation. Remus felt heat rising up his neck. He reluctantly pulled his gaze away from Sirius to the moon rising.   
“Just a little miffed you blew me off, that’s all.” Remus said, trying to ignore the pit turning in his stomach.  
“I really am sorry Re. I just lost track of time. Hanging out with Emmaline is honestly so fun, the time just flies. I don’t know what it is we just… get each other.” Sirius said while sinking onto his bed.  
“That’s- nice- Sirius.” Remus faltered, pretending to be unbothered was harder than he thought.   
“You sure you’re alright Moons?” Sirius said, his gaze penetrating. Why did he have to be so damn good at reading people?  
“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just- the moon.” He mumbled back.  
“Okay, if you’re sure.” However, Remus couldn’t help but notice Sirius’ eyes following him to his own bed, up until he drew the curtains to his four-poster shut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: MENTIONS OF ABUSE   
> This is the first chapter from Sirius' perspective, hope you like it! I also post fics on Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 3: Sirius, December 1975

They were packing up their trunks to go home for the Christmas Break. Peter & James were excitedly talking about what they wanted for Christmas while finishing up their packing, and Remus was sitting on his bed reading, having packed ages ago.   
That’s what Sirius liked so much about Remus. He was always prepared, he always had a plan. He would know what to do no matter the situation. He would know what to do about Sirius’ reluctance to go home for the Christmas break. He didn’t want to go back to that place where no one wanted him.   
He knew as soon as he walked in that door he would be scrutinized for the weekly detentions he got, he would be thrown against walls, he would be screamed: “You’re a disappointment!” between hexes. His parents would deny him dinner when they found out he was dating a muggle-born, he knew he knew his parents would test his limits, making sure they left him on the edge of death. He knew one day they were going to kill him. He just never knew when that day would be.  
He couldn’t stay at Hogwarts for the break, as much as he wanted to. His parents wanted him home, so they could punish him first-hand not just through letters. And he knew what would happen if he defied his parent’s wishes.   
So no matter how badly he wanted to stay at school, he would have to go back. “Screw this.” He said, dropping some clean socks on the floor next to his half-packed trunk. Everyone in the room looked up at him, though he failed to notice as he left the dorm and headed to his favourite spot, the Astronomy Tower.   
He sat on the tower floor, feet dangling over the edge. He looked up to the sky, silently naming constellations.   
“What’s up?” Sirius was startled to find Remus sitting down next to him. Sirius didn’t respond. “I know somethings bothering you, you’re never this quiet.” Remus teased. Any other time Sirius would be over-joyed to be alone with Remus on this tower. Any other time but now.  
“I don’t want to go home.” Sirius found himself saying before he caught himself.  
Remus looked caught off guard by this. “W-what? Why?” He said, looking confused, “I know you’re family aren’t the most nurturing type, but still…” Not being ‘The most nurturing type’ was an understatement. But it was the closest to the truth the Mauraders knew.  
“Just-just stressed about my father bombarding me with OWLs prep. I’m so stressed about the OWLs, aren’t you?” He was rambling now, and Remus could see right through it.   
“OWLs? Since when did you care about school?” Remus laughed. “C’mon Padfoot, what’s going on?”   
“It- it- it doesn’t matter. I’m going back to the common room.” Sirius said, rather aggressively, which shocked Remus. Sirius got up, intending to leave.  
“Wait stay!” Remus grabbed Sirius’ wrist which sent a jolt of electricity through his body. He sat back down. Trying to suppress the butterflies, Remus hadn’t let go of his wrist. “Do you know any constellations?” Remus asked, trying to change the conversation.   
“Yeah..um…” He tentatively took Remus’ wrist in his own hand and guided it and towards the sky. “That one’s Cassiopeia, named for a Queen in greek mythology who bragged of her daughter’s beauty, forced to forever hang in the sky as punishment.” He said, pointing Remus’ hand to a collection of stars. Remus was listening with rapt attention, it appeared as though he was clinging to every word. “That one is Orion, the hunter.” He said guiding their hands to another collection of stars. He just noticed his hand was shaking. “Oh! And that super bright star is called Sirius! Named for yours truly.” Remus snorted. They turned to face each other looking into each other’s eyes.   
Sirius never before noticed the golden flecks in Remus’ brown eyes. Or the light freckles that went across the bridge of his nose, perfectly complimenting his scars.   
They stayed looking into each other’s eyes, for the longest time. Sirius growing more and more aware of his quickening heartbeat, and that he was still holding onto Remus’ wrist. He let the moment last for longer than he was proud of. Greedily taking in every bit of Remus, absorbing it. Knowing he could never call it his in this lifetime. He tried to ignore the guilty voice in his head reminding him of his girlfriend, Emmaline. He felt a bubble rising in his chest, a bubble filled with anger and regret that as much as he wanted too he could never, and would never be able to call Remus his own. He was happy with Emmaline, and Emmaline was enough, wasn’t she?  
Sirius finally broke the silence, “Well… I should finish packing.” He said letting go of Remus’ wrist, finally, then standing up.  
“Yeah, right.” Remus looked almost disappointed as he stood up, or maybe Sirius was just imagining it. Hoping for something that wasn’t there. “And hey, if things get bad with your families ...OWL prep… send an owl me or James’ way. We’d be happy to have you visit.” Remus offered, with a smile. Sirius returned the smile, though he knew he would never be able to leave Grimmauld place once he got there.  
But for that brief moment in time with Remus, with Remus’ words, Remus’ eyes still dancing in his head. He forgot about not wanting to go home. He forgot about how disappointed his parents would be. He forgot about how long his mother would use the Cruciatus curse on him. He would never forget how he truly felt about Remus Lupin. And he would never forget how when he was with Remus he always felt alright.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate Emmaline & Sirius <3 Rember I also post on intsa @Lovingwolfsstar...Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 4: Remus, January 1976

He woke up. He had to blink a few times to get his vision back in focus. The full moon had been last night, and he was now just waking up in the hospital wing. He felt the white-hot pain of a new scar forming on the side of his neck.  
“Afternoon Moony,” James said, smiling down. Next to him was an also smiling Peter. He looked around for Sirius but he wasn’t there.  
Panic crashed through him. He sat bolty upright, which sent searing pain through his bones. He didn’t care, he only wanted to know that Sirius as OK. He looked around the hospital wing, expecting to see Sirius laying in a bed, injured by him. But he didn’t see Sirius at all. “W-where’s Sirius?” He asked groggily  
“Shhhh, lay back down.” James leaned Remus back.  
“Where’s Sirius?! What did I do to him?” Remus demanded.  
“He’s with Emmaline in Hogsmeade. It’s Saturday, remember?” James told him.  
“He’s in Hogsmeade? With Emmaline?” Anger seared through Remus’ blood.   
“Yeah, Um...He was here earlier though.” James said, in an attempt to relieve the tension. Remus collapsed back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling, his blood boiling. “I’ll, just, go tell Madam Pomfrey you’re awake.” James said, getting up to fetch the school healer. Remus grumbled back.  
“He- he- ummm...he wanted to be here, he was worried out of his mind. He just- um- he couldn’t blow Emmaline off.” Peter said.  
“Was he at least at the shrieking shack last night?” Remus asked, fed up with Peter’s rambling.  
“Ummm… you- you see- he couldn’t leave Emmaline without an explanation…” Peter fumbled.  
“Was. He. There.”  
“Ummm...yes- but um- only for a bit.” Peter practically squeaked. “He um- you see- he-”  
“I don’t need to hear his excuses.” Remus gritted out through his teeth. Peter looked petrified, Remus never got this angry. 

****

Madam Pomfrey released Remus from the hospital wing Monday evening. He had been running a high fever and carved out his neck pretty badly. This had been one of the worst moons in months, and he attributed it to the minimal presence of a certain dog.   
Remus marched up the stairs to the dormitory fuming, ready to yell at Sirius. He swung open the door to find Sirius in the dorm alone, doodling on some scrap parchment.  
“Hey, Moony. Feeling better?” He asked as though nothing was wrong.  
“Do you have my notes?” He asked, cooly.  
“Notes?”   
“Yes, you’re supposed to collect notes for me when I miss class on the moon. You always have. It’s your job.” Remus had reached his boiling point.  
“I’m sorry, I forgot. I’ll remember next time. It’s just Emmaline-”  
“Emmaline! All you do is spend time with Emmaline! You didn’t see me once in the hospital wing! Did you know this was the worst moon in months?! Probably not, since you didn’t come to check on your friend!” Remus was yelling, he never yelled.  
Sirius went pale, “Remus I-”  
“No! NO excuse is good enough. I don’t care what Emmaline would think. I care about you! But it doesn’t seem like you care about me anymore.” Remus words were merciless.   
“Remus, of course I care about you.” Sirius said standing up, hurt.  
“ It doesn’t feel like it. Ever since things got serious with you and Emmaline you’ve blown me off. You’ve hardly been there.” He’d stopped yelling, but there was a harshness to his voice.  
“Remus, I’m so sorry. I care about you. Forgetting the notes was an honest mistake. I care about you, so much. More than you’ll ever know.” Sirius sounded so genuine and looked so hurt. But Remus didn’t care.  
“It feels like recently all you care about is Emmaline. You abandon plans with us for her. You two have never been this attached before! Why does she suddenly care so much about where you go, and what you do?!” Remus fumed. Letting every ill thought toward Emmaline out into the world.  
“Why do you care about me and Emmaline’s relationship so much?” Sirius asked, matching Remus’ harsh tone.  
Remus opened his mouth to speak. Then shut it tight, clenching his teeth. He stormed out of the dorm room, slamming the door loudly behind him.  
The truth was it shattered his heart a little bit each time he heard Sirius mention Emmaline’s name. It killed him to see him with her. It killed him to know Sirius would rather be with her, than with him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OooooOoooO Remus had a secret admirer...I wonder who they could be? Hope you like it <3 I also post fics n Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 5: Remus, February 1976

“Well, Evans just rejected me for the 13 billionth time, guess I don’t have a Valentine this year.” James said sitting down next to Sirius who was laughing,  
“It’s okay Prongs, you’ll just have to go stag.” Sirius laughed at his own terrible pun, and Remus tried his best to conceal his own smirk.   
“Oh, budge off Padfoot. Not all of us are lucky enough to have a girlfriend.” Sirius gave a small breathy laugh then turned away.  
“Speaking of which, where is she?” Peter asked.  
“She’s meeting me in the entrance hall after breakfast, we’re planning on spending the day in Hogsmeade.” Sirius said, poking at his eggs.  
Remus and Sirius merely pretended that their argument after the last full moon had never happened. They didn’t speak of it, or apologize. They just let time work its magic and fix it. However, they made an effort to never be alone together anymore, and there seemed to be a strange tension between them.   
“Valentine for Remus Lupin.” A Hufflepuff 3rd year delivering valentine’s approached their table.   
“Um, that’s me.” Remus said, confused. Who would want to send him a valentine? “Do you know who sent this?” He asked, while taking the card from the girl.   
“Nope, I just deliver ‘em.” The girl said, before heading up the Gryffindor table.  
“Open it! Open it!” Peter jumped in his seat, then leaned over to get a look at the small red card for himself, James also leaned forward across the table, Sirius hung back.  
Remus opened the small card to find a poem inside. He read it out loud;

“I love your laugh, I love your smile, I love that you go the extra mile.  
I love your silly smarts and your stupid wits.  
And I love those little looks that you give.  
And I know I can never call you mine in this lifetime.  
And I know that I’m half-as-good a person as you.  
And maybe we were meant to be friends.  
But maybe, in another world, we could be more.  
Snuffles”

After he was done reading the poem he was blushing like mad. “Wow. Whoever wrote that really likes you Moony.” James said. “Who sent it?”  
“I don’t know, they used a pseudonym.” Remus said, his heart beating furiously.  
“A what?” Peter asked.  
“A fake name. ‘Snuffles’ in particular.” Remus said, still scanning the card for clues. But the only other hint as to who it could be was a small drawing of a collection of stars on the front.  
“Any idea who that could be?” James asked.   
Remus shrugged, “I don’t know who would actually like me.”  
“Who wouldn’t like you.” Sirius piped up, receiving some strange looks from the rest of the group. “I’m just saying.” He shrugged before going back to his breakfast. Remus felt giddy from the excitement of having a secret admirer. And a small part of him hoped that ‘Snuffles’ was making the boy across the table jealous, though he doubted it.  
“Well seeing as 3 out of 4 of us have nothing to do on this fine Saturday, I say we make it our goal to figure out who ‘Snuffles’ is.” James proclaimed. And that’s exactly what they did.

Peter came bursting into the dormitory, “Okay, I asked Becca from Herbology, and she told me her owl’s name is ‘Ruffles’ which is kinda like Snuffles, and she is always complimenting your potting skills.” Peter reported.  
“Yes, and she seems like the kind of girl to write mediocre poetry in her spare time! I think Becca is the front runner.” James proclaimed scribbling her name at the top of the list.  
“Oh, and we can scratch out Alice, I saw her and Frank snogging in an empty corridor on the way there.” Peter said, while James crossed out her name.   
“Did you guys ever consider a guy might have sent it?” Remus reminded them, still holding the card.  
“Dammit Moony, you’re just making this more difficult.” James complained.   
“What’s Remus making difficult?” Sirius asked, coming into the dormitory.  
“We’re trying to figure out who ‘Snuffles’ is.” James said, “How was your date? Do lots of snogging?”  
“We don’t snog.” Sirius said, throwing his leather jacket on his bed.  
“Oh sorry,” James teased, “Do lots of hand-holding?”  
“A bit.” Remus felt that pit turning in his stomach whenever Sirius talked about Emmaline. “Anyway, who’s the prime suspect for Snuffles?”   
“Becca from Herbology!” Peter reported. “But then Moony reminded us that ‘Snuffles’ could be a bloke too, so now we’re at square one.”  
“Hm,” Sirius shrugged.  
“Anyways, me and Wormtail are off to ask some Ravenclaws if they know anything about this mediocre poetry,” James said, standing up with Peter collecting their notes.  
“Hey, I’m sure whoever wrote that poem put a lot of hard work into it.” Sirius defended, which made the corner of Remus’ mouth perk up.  
“Yeah, right.” James scoffed before leaving with Peter.  
Remus sighed leaning back against his headboard, he couldn’t stop re-reading the poem. The line that stuck out most to him was ‘And I know I can never call you mine in this lifetime.’ What did that mean? “Suppose we’ll never know who ‘Snuffles’ is.” He sighed.  
“Perhaps that’s the beauty of it. They could be whoever you want them to be. Whoever would make you the happiest.” Sirius said, with a gentleness in his voice.  
“I never thought about that.” Remus considered. Who would make him the happiest? Sirius. The answer would always be Sirius. But Sirius couldn’t write poetry, and he had a girlfriend, he was straight. Even thinking that Snuffles was Sirius made him even sadder about the state of their relationship.   
“Who would make you the happiest?” Sirius asked, blissfully.  
“Um, I can’t tell you that, don’t want to jinx it.” Remus responded coyly. Sirius laughed a little, making Remus’ heart flutter. They spent the rest of the evening in comfortable silence. The words on the card constantly spinning in Remus’ head.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope enjoy this little twist! Did you see it coming? I also post fics on my Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 5: Sirius, March 1976

He walked up to the dorm room quickly, he didn’t want to keep Emmaline waiting. He just needed his jacket. He abruptly opened the door to the room, and rummaged through his trunk, eventually pulling the leather jacket from the mess inside.   
“Whatcha doing?” He jumped, he didn’t realize Remus was sitting, reading on his own bed.  
“Merlin, you scared me Moony!”   
“Sorry.” Remus said with a coy smile on his face, creating little dimples that sent butterflies through Sirius’ stomach.   
“I was just getting my jacket. Got a date with Em.” Remus’ smile dropped, making the adorable dimples disappear. Sirius turned around to perfect his appearance in the mirror. He could’ve sworn he saw Remus’ reflection look up at him. He turned around to face Remus, “How do I look?”   
Remus scanned Sirius’ outfit up and down slowly, the dimply smile returning to his face. “Great.”  
“Thanks.” They hesitated, looking into each other’s eyes for a moment. Time eluded him, butterflies exploded in his chest.   
After who-knows-how-long Remus broke the silence, “You better go, don’t want to keep Emmaline waiting.”   
“Yeah,” He hadn’t fully registered what Remus was saying, then he remembered. “Oh, shit! Yeah!” He tumbled out of the room, down the stairs, through the common room, then out the portrait hole, where he found Emmaline patiently waiting. She held out her hand for him to take.  
They walked out to the grounds, talking the whole way about school, music, and his favourite subject, that Emmaline was well versed in, the muggle-world. Emmaline was excitedly explaining how movie theatre’s work, when Sirius found his mind wandering.   
When he was with Emmaline he felt like she was a friend he held hands with. He never felt any romantic attraction to her, at least not the same as he felt with Remus. But what confused him the most was that they felt comfortable together. He never dreaded spending time with her. She didn’t want to be more intimate than they were, and she didn’t want that either. Emmaline really liked him, he thought. He didn’t want to break her heart by telling her he was gay. But it ate him up inside every time they went on dates, every time he saw her or Remus.   
Finally, she was done describing her experience seeing ‘Jaws’ in theatres. When they settled down at the base of a tree by the lake. He decided to say the thought that has been lingering on his mind for weeks, “My friends think it’s weird we don’t kiss.”   
She blinked for a moment then said, “So do mine.”  
“Which is just- weird. I mean just ‘cause we’re a couple doesn’t mean we have to kiss, right?” He faltered.  
“Yeah. Yeah. We don’t have to kiss.” She looked away for a moment, drawing in breath. “Do- do you want to? I mean, just to get it over with.”  
“Um, sure.” He regretted agreeing to the kiss almost immediately. But he couldn’t back down now, she was already leaning forward.   
Their lips met. They sat stiffly pressed against each other. Sirius leaned in, attempting to make the kiss deeper, she had the same thought. They fumbled for a moment-or-two until Emmaline pushed him away. “That’s it! I can’t do this anymore!” She said, shaking her head.  
“Do what?” He was confused.  
“This!” She waved her hands around in front of her. “I- we can’t date anymore! I’m done!”   
“What? Why?” He was very unsure of what was going on. Was he that bad at kissing?  
“Sirius I’m- I’m gay.” She simply stated.  
“You’re- what?” He asked, unsure he had heard her correctly.  
“I’m gay!” She proclaimed, a little louder. “And if you’ve got a problem with that- well I’ll take that problem and shove it up your arse!” He started laughing. “What? What’s so funny?!” She was exasperated.  
“Em, I’m gay too.” It felt so good to finally say it. To finally tell her. She immediately broke-down into a fit of laughter. Seeing her laugh sent him off too. They rolled on the grass, laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. Attracting much attention.  
Finally, she caught her breath, “Wow. Well, I’m glad to know we broke up for mutual reasons!” He smiled up at her.  
“So is there someone you like?” He asked.  
“Yeah, this Hufflepuff girl in my year. Her name’s Jill.” She told him.  
“Is she…?”   
“No idea.” She clearly wanted a new topic from this Hufflepuff girl. “What about you? You fancy anyone?”   
“Ummm,” He questioned telling her. She had just revealed probably her biggest secret to him and he had done the same, he could tell her anything. “Yeah, Remus.”   
She smirked, “You should ask him out.”   
“Yeah, umm, I don’t know.”  
“C’mon, what do have to loose?” She nudged him.  
“One of my best friends.” It felt so strange, yet so good to admit all the things that had been weighing on his chest for so long.  
“I still think you should give it a try.” She plainly stated. He smiled a little then shook his head. “C’mon, I’ve been hanging around with you guys for the last 6 months, I notice things.” What had she noticed? “I think you should shoot your shot.”  
“It’s nice to see you have hope.” Despite his words, he actually did feel a small glimmer of joy at her words, if Emmaline thought he had a chance, maybe it could be possible.  
“Anyway,” She extended her hand forward, “It’s been a pleasure feigning heterosexuality with you!”  
“A pleasure!” He responded, firmly shaking her hand. They hesitated for a moment, then he pulled her in for a hug. They hugged each other tightly.   
Once they pulled away Emmaline met his eyes, “Still friends?”   
“Of course!” He laughed. She smiled brightly then waved goodbye. She skipped, literally skipped, back up to the castle. 

He walked back to the dorm room, feeling lighter than air. He felt unstoppable. Forgetting for a moment he was about to enter a room where no one knew his secret.  
“Why are you so smiley?” James smirked as he entered. Sirius took note of Remus’ slight frown.  
“Emmaline and I broke up!” Remus smiled down at his book at these words.  
“What? Why?!” James panicked.  
Sirius decided it wasn’t his place to out Emmaline, and he wasn’t quite ready to come out to James himself.   
He remembered Emmaline’s words, “Mutual reasons.”   
“Wha-what? What does that mean?” James waved his arms around, dramatically.  
“ It means our reasons were the same.” He said bluntly. James gaped. Sirius turned to go to the bathroom, leaving James to wonder. But before he left he took a piece of Emmaline’s advice and winked at Remus.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mild Homophobia  
> I changed up part of this chapter from what I originally posted on my Instagram, it doesn't affect the story at all, I just liked it better. I hope you enjoy! I also post this story along with others on my Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 7: Sirius, April 1976

“I just don’t get it! Why won’t Evans go out with me already!” They were staying up talking in the dormitory. James was still pining over Lily Evans. Sirius let his eyes wander over to Remus, who was reading a muggle book about ‘Killing Birds’. He too was sick of hearing James lament over Lily.   
“Give it a rest James. If Lily wanted to date you she would’ve said yes already!” Peter said what they were all thinking. James crinkled his nose and glared at Peter, imitating a child.   
“Well, who do you fancy?” James asked mockingly.  
“ I don’t know. I guess that Violet Tenner girl is nice.” Peter told them.  
“Woah friends- ex’s- best friend, totally off-limits.” James told a disappointed looking Peter.   
“I don’t think Em or I mind. I mean we broke up like a month ago.” Sirius said, still watching Remus, he couldn’t help but see a smile perk-up the corners of his mouth.   
Jame shrugged. “What about you Moony? Do you fancy anyone?” Remus looked up, marking his place in his book.  
“Umm. no, not really.” Remus was looking at his hands. And Sirius could’ve sworn he saw Remus’ eyes flick towards him.   
“That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.” Peter claimed. “C’mon who is she?”   
“Or he.” James put in. “Oh, that’s it! You fancy one of us don’t you?”  
“Wh-what? No!” Remus said casting a threatening glare at James. Sirius felt a pit emerge in his stomach.  
“Of course it is!” James pressed on. “People like you always fancy their friends! It’s like, all you people do!” James and Peter laughed. Remus looked ready to kill. “Well, who is it? Which one of us are you hot for?” James egged on. “Oh, Merlin! It’s not me, is it? Look you’re great n’all, but I don’t swing that way!” He and Peter burst out into a laughing fit. Remus scoffed and stormed out of the room.   
“Remus!” Sirius called, but he already left. He turned towards James & Peter, who were catching their breath. “That wasn’t funny.”   
“Oh lighten up Pads. He knows it was a joke, obviously, he doesn’t fancy me!” James casually said.  
“Well, we aren’t laughing.”  
“Oh, when did you get so uptight?” James laughed.  
“Apologise to him!” Sirius couldn’t help his voice growing louder.  
“It’s fine Pads, just let it go.” James turned to Peter for backup.  
“It’s not ‘fine’ Prongs!” Sirius couldn’t contain his anger. “It was rude! And a Homophobic stereotype!”  
“Why do you care so much Sirius?! It was a joke.”   
“I care because I-” He cut himself off. He looked around the room at his friends. “I care because I’m gay!” He yelled, a look of shock dawning on their faces. Before they could respond he left the room with the Marauder’s Map, going to find Remus. 

He followed Remus’ name on the map all the way to the top of the Astronomy Tower. Remus sat there looking gorgeous in the moonlight, feet dangling over the edge. He slipped down next to him, the feeling oddly familiar to when he first realized his feelings for Remus back in December. “Know any constellations?” He asked.  
Remus gave a light laugh then pointed up to the sky, “I know that one’s called Sirius.” He was pointing to the brightest star in the sky.   
Sirius laughed a little. “Yeah, that’s right.” A small smile drew up the corners of Remus’ mouth. His heart drumming in his chest. Ba-bum, Ba-bum, Ba-bum. They sat in silence awhile, Sirius’ body still trembling from what happened back in the dorms. Finally, breaking the silence he asked, “How are you Moons?”  
“Frustrated,” He answered after a moment’s hesitation. “I’m just sick of their ‘jokes’.” Remus rubbed his face as he spoke.  
“Well, I think they’ll be done with the ‘jokes’ now.”   
“No, they won’t. They’ll always make them. I can’t change who they are.” Sirius could hear the frustration in Remus’ voice, now was the time.  
“Maybe you can’t. But we can.”   
“What are you talking about?” Remus looked over to him, confused, he met his eyes. Now was the time.  
“Remus...I’m gay.” The words were soft, and tender. Remus blinked in what Sirius presumed to be shock. Sirius turned away and flicked his eyes up towards the stars. He felt an arm wrap around his shoulders, then pull him into a warm embrace.  
“I’m so proud of you Sirius. Thank you. Thank you for telling me. For being here.” He said genuine & clear. They hugged for a long time. Sirius smiled against his chest. Butterflies exploding in his stomach. Now was the time. He just knew it.  
“You know that valentine you got?” He murmured, still embracing Remus. Remus nodded. “I sent it. I’m Snuffles.” Remus pulled away slightly and looked at Sirius’ face, smiling.  
"R-really?" Remus had an interesting glint in his eye. Sirius, who was normally good at reading Remus's expression was stumped by this one.  
"Yeah." He nearly whispered. They both turned away for a moment, inhaling. Sirius turned back and looked deep into Remus’ beautiful brown eyes. Sirius’ heart was drumming in his ears, he thought it would fall right out of his chest. His knees felt wobbly. Remus didn’t break the eye contact, breathing softly.  
“Can I kiss you, Remus?” Sirius asked, close to a whisper.   
“I thought you would never ask.” Remus smiled. Then lifted Sirius’ chin, bringing his lips to his own. Their lips met, softly touching. Softly moving against the other. Sparks flew. Sirius felt all the butterflies fly away. This felt right. It was everything Sirius ever imagined it would be. It was better.  
“I really like you, Remus Lupin.” Sirius said, looking longingly into Remus’ eyes.  
“Not as much as I like you, Sirius Black.” Remus smiled. Then pulled Sirius back into a long kiss.  
“What are the others going to say?” Sirius whispered, their lips grazing.  
“It doesn’t matter, we have each other now, and that’s all that matters. That’s the only thing that will ever matter.” Remus said, with a sort of passion Sirius had never heard from Remus. Sirius smiled a little, before pulling Remus back into a deep, long, perfect kiss.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Homophobia, mentions of abuse, and strong language  
> There a lot of angst in this story FYI...I also post on my Instagram @Lovingwoflsstar

Chapter 8: Sirius, April 1976

He and Remus had been dating for around 1 week now, and it was honestly the best week of Sirius’ life. He couldn’t remember ever being this happy before. James & Peter took the news well. James apologized profusely for 3 days straight, even though they repeatedly told him they forgive him. 

“I really am sorry for all that stuff said. You guys are my best mates, I’m so glad you two are happy.”

“Apologise one more time Potter and we might have to take back our forgiveness.” 

Peter was a little weirded out by it at first, but he was coming around. It didn’t help that James informed him that he had walked in on them ‘snogging’. They had decided that they wanted to keep their relationship private, only the marauders knowing. Not because they were ashamed, but because they were afraid of what people might say or do. Being in a gay relationship wasn’t exactly the ‘coolest’ thing. But some nights, like tonight, for example, it was impossible for Sirius to keep his hands off Remus, not when he looked that bloody hot. He reached under the great hall table and squeezed Remus’ thigh. Remus looked over and raised his eyebrow’s, teasing.  
“What do you want, Black?” He smirked.  
“Nothing in particular…” Remus gave a light laugh, making those dimples Sirius liked so much. He put his hand on top of Sirius’, under the table where no one could see.   
“Well, would you like to do nothing after dinner?” He smirked. Sirius nodded, slyly.  
“Peter, remind me to stay clear of the dorm room while they’re doing nothing.” James said. They all laughed, Peter still hadn’t quite figured out what they were talking about but played along. However, their joy was quickly replaced with disgust as Barty Crouch Jr. came up to them.  
“Hey, Black! Lupin!” He called.  
“What do you want Crouch?” Sirius said.  
“Are you guys shagging?” He said, his smug face looking between Sirius and Remus. Sirius felt Remus grow tense, blood rushed through his head. Panicking, he was panicking, they both were. He looked over to James, who’s hand was already clenched in a fist, Peter was curling into himself. He looked over to Remus who had gone pale.  
“How did you find out?” He bit his lip and swore to himself. Why did he have to say that?  
Barty gave a nasty laugh, “So it’s true?” He held his wand to his throat and amplified his voice “HEY LISTEN UP EVERYONE! REMUS LUPIN AND SIRIUS BLACK ARE SHAGGING!” His voice echoed through the hall. Sirius’ heart was pounding, pumping with adrenaline. After what felt like an eternity a Slytherin shouted out a horrible slur. Creating a chain effect of slurs & catcalls from the Slytherin’s, a few shouts from Gryffindors, murmurs from Ravenclaw’s, and a dead silent Hufflepuff table.   
While Barty was momentarily distracted, revelling in the hate, Sirius shoved him down, “Save it for your boyfriend, Black.” He sneered. Sirius looked back at Remus, who got up and ran out of the hall, hateful words being thrown at him as he ran. In a split-second decision, he ran after Remus, trying to ignore the slurs.   
“Remus wait!” He tried to catch up to Remus. When did Remus become such a good runner? “Remus slow down!” He grabbed Remus’ wrist. Remus tried to pull it away, wrenching around.  
“Sirius go away-”  
“-Can we talk-”  
“Sirius, please-”  
“-Remus-”  
“Just, give me some time alone...please.” He sounded so lost. Sirius let his wrist go, his own hand dropping to his side. Remus turned around and ran up the staircase. He let out a long, frustrated breath, kicking the stone floor.  
“Sirius,” He looked up and saw his little brother, Regulus.   
“What do you want Reg?”  
“Is it true?” He asked, looking at his feet.  
“YES! YES, IT’S FUCKING TRUE! What’re you going to do about it?!” He shouted, “You gonna write to Mum & Dad?! Tell them what their son is?! Huh? So they can ship me home, and beat me within an inch of my life?! So you can stay the golden child?!” Regulus didn’t respond “Well?!”  
Regulus looked up, however not meeting his crazed grey eyes. “No. Sirius, I would never!”  
“Then what do you want Regulus?” He was exasperated.  
“I-I don’t know.”  
“Of course. ‘Cause you never know!” Sirius shouted. Regulus looked up as if he were confused. “You know what I’m talking about. You sit there and watch or listen to what Mum and Dad do to me. And once they’re done it’s always the same fucking excuse, ‘I didn’t know what to do.’ When are you gonna fucking grow up and learn what to do?! When are you going to stop being a selfish git and learn how to stand up for others, not just yourself!?” When he was angry he had no filter. And Sirus was angry.  
Regulus, inhaled sharply, then slowly exhaled. He looked up at Sirius. “I just wanted to say I’m not going to tell Mum & Dad.” Then he turned away and walked back into the great hall. Sirius swore under his breath, and spun in a circle, still kicking the ground. He looked back up and saw Emmaline’s pale, freckled face in front of him. Her eye’s big behind her coke-bottle glasses.  
“What do you want Em?”  
“Are you okay? Where’s Remus? This is crazy. James punched the guy, gave him a black eye. He & Peter are hexing people left and right! This is crazy!” She was talking a mile and minute. It dawned on him as she rambled that she was the only other one who knew he was gay.  
“Emmaline, tell me how Barty knew?”  
She paused for a moment, “How do you expect me to know? I didn’t even know his name was Barty!” She laughed uncertainly.  
“Well, you’re the only other person who knew I’m gay, aside from James, Peter & Remus.” He looked into her eyes, searching for guilt.  
“Are you suggesting I outed you?” Her tone had gone cold. “I would out you. When you know what I am as well? When I too know what it feels like?”  
“Well, you’re certainly the only person that could do it.” He said, matching her cold tone.  
“Does our friendship mean nothing to you?!” She shouted. “How do you know one of your other friends didn’t do it?!”  
“They would never.”  
“Oh, and I would?” When he didn’t respond she glared at him. “Fine. I see how it is. I see what I mean to you Sirius Black. I thought what we told each other that day in March meant you trusted me. I thought all the time we spent getting to know each other would let you know what kind of person I am. I guess I was wrong. You’re not the friend I thought you were.” Her words cut like broken glass. She turned and walked away, head held high. He kicked at the wall. Why did he have to go and fuck everything up? Before he could think to go after her he heard a long, blood-curdling scream from somewhere nearby.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Homophobia & Strong language  
> I ended this chapter on a sweet note to make up for the heaviness of the last chapter and most of this one. I also post fics on my Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 9: Sirius, April 1976

Before he could think to go after her he heard a long, blood-curdling scream from somewhere nearby. He strained his ears, listening, it was only a few seconds later when he heard the scream again. He determined it was coming from above him. He ran up the staircase, following the noise. The voice, which he recognized to be male, was calling out inaudible names. Other voices, both male, were shouting inaudible words back. He ran down a corridor, where he found the source of the screams.  
He froze at the end of the corridor, he saw something he never wanted to see again. Remus was cowering on the ground, Amycus Carrow & Rudolphus Lestrange sneering in front of him. “Looking for your wand you little (f-slur)?” Carrow taunted, waving Remus’ wand in the air.   
“Give - it - back.” Remus panted, voice hoarse from screaming. Carrow and Rudolphus cackled, wickedly.   
“I don’t think so. We can’t trust (f-slur)’s like you with magic. You should be locked away in St. Mungo’s mental ward. You with your little boyfriend.” Rudolphus spat.  
“Just - leave me alone,” Remus begged. Sirius wanted to move, wanted to shout, but his feet & voice wouldn’t comply. Watching felt like torture in itself.   
“Silence!” Rudolphus screamed, casting a silencing charm on Remus. “I don’t think the (f-slur) has learned his lesson, Carrow. Shall we teach him again?” He said, with malicious joy. Sirius was frozen on the spot.  
“I think it’s what’s best.” Carrow said, his voice freezing Sirius’ blood. “Crucio.” A jet of light came from his wand, hitting Remus square in the chest. Remus let out an agonizing scream. Carrow & Rudolphus were laughing.  
“PLEASE - STOP- (scream) - SIRIUS!-AH- JAMES! HELP!” Remus continued to scream & cry. Carrow and Rudolphus continued to laugh at his pain. Sirius’ mind flashed to hours of his mother using the same curse on him. No one ever came to save him. He knew what it felt like. It was the worst pain one could ever feel. He wouldn’t let Remus feel that pain.  
He ran towards them, pointed his wand at Carrow, who was torturing Remus, and shouted “Expelliarmus!” Carrow’s wand flew out of his hand and landed on the floor behind Sirius, who didn’t bother to catch it. “Leave him alone.” He demanded.   
Rudolphus sized him up, “Look at that Amycus. Black showed up to save his little boyfriend. I didn’t realize it was ‘two (f-slur)’s for one day’.” Sirius felt his heart drumming in his chest. He looked past Rudolphus to where Remus was sitting, catching his breath. Carrow towering over him. Involuntary tears rolling down his cheeks. “Give Carrow his wand back.”  
“Not until you let Remus go.”  
“Sirius, it’s fine I got this.” Remus panted. It was very clear he did not have this.  
“Silencio!” Rudolphus angrily silenced Remus. Then turned back to Sirius. “You want him back? Fine, have him back.” He flicked his wand, lifting Remus up into the air by his ankle, Remus’ body was limp. With a swish of his wand, Rudlophus threw Remus at the stone wall. Remus slid down it, landing in an unconscious heap. Sirius made to run to him, but Rudolphus hit him with a leg binding hex. “What’re you gonna do now Black?” He & Carrow laughed.   
“Expelliarmus!” He disarmed Rudolphus, breaking the hex. Rudolphus shoved Sirius to the ground, making him drop his wand. Sirius punched him back, but Rudolphus was bigger, stronger. He kicked him square in the chest to the floor. Carrow came up behind him and kicked him in the side of his head. Sirius tried to punch at every part of them he could reach, but he wasn’t strong enough.  
After many long moments of fighting a losing battle, Carrow moved over enough for Sirius to see Remus’ limp form on the floor. Sirius felt anger surge through him, he had to fight, for Remus. He mustered up enough strength to push Rudolphus off of him. Giving him enough time to get up and punch Carrow straight in the jaw. Before Rudolphus could get a chance to fight back, McGonagall tailed by Slughorn, James, and Peter, came bursting down the corridor. “Boys! What is the meaning of this?!” She asked, hands on her hips, looking between them.  
“They were torturing him! Remus! They were using unforgivables!” Sirius shouted, pointing between Rudolphus & Carrow, then to Remus’ unconscious form. McGonagall’s eyes were wide at the sight.   
“They deserved it, the (f-slurs).” Carrow spat. James lunged forward wand up, ready to hex him.  
“Potter! Carrow! Enough!” McGonagall cast a shield charm up between them. “Black, Potter, and Pettigrew you take Mr. Lupin up to the hospital wing. Amycus & Rudolphus you come with Professor Slughorn & I to discuss your punishment.” She instructed. James rushed over to Remus. Sirius hesitantly approached him. Hands shaking. He had certainly seen Remus in worse shape, but it hurt him to see him going through more pain all the same. He helped James hoist Remus up. They propped an arm over each of their shoulders, Sirius wrapped an arm around his waist. Peter tagged along behind them.  
“And 50 points from Gryffindor for each of you!” McGonagall added. Sirius was too tired to argue back, his entire body felt sore.  
James, however, wasn’t, “What?! It was self-defence! We were standing up for our friends!”  
“Fighting is still fighting Potter. You started a riot in the Great Hall, and Mr. Black should’ve gotten a teacher.” McGonagall said, James still gaping.  
“Just...drop it, James. Let’s get Moony to the hospital wing.” Sirius said, defeated. James nodded. They walked in silence down to the hospital wing. A little awkwardly because Remus was so tall. 

It was around midnight when Sirius woke up to someone murmuring his name “Sirius?” It was Remus. Sirius suddenly became very awake. He must’ve fallen asleep in the chair by the side of Remus’ bed.   
“Remus,” He spoke low, “How’re you? How do you feel?” He put a hand on Remus’ leg.  
“...Sore.” Remus groaned. Sirius laughed lightly.  
“Yeah, I know. You’ll feel better after some sleep.”   
“What do you mean you know?” Remus asked, looking over too him. Sirius bit his lip. He really needs to think before he speaks.   
“Just...from learning about it.” He faltered. Hoping in his groggy state, Remus wouldn’t detect the lie.  
“Okay...what happened to your eye?” He raised a hand to Sirius’ face, brushing it over the bruise forming around his eye. “And your lip?...and your jaw?” He brushed his hand over the respective parts. Creating a warm feeling through Sirius.   
“Just got in a little toss with Carrow & Rudolphus, don’t worry about it.” He smiled, taking Remus’ hand, and pressing a light kiss on his fingertips.   
“Are James & Peter okay?” He asked, linking his fingers through Sirius’. Sirius was glad that Remus wasn’t mad at him.   
“They’re fine. Sleeping in the dormitory. I wanted to stay with you until you woke up. Emmaline told me James punched Barty in the face.”  
“You spoke with Emmaline? Did she know you were gay?” Remus asked, trying to read Sirius’ face, Sirius had seen him do it a million times before.  
“Yeah, I told her back in March. We talked before I found you.”   
“Do you think she told anyone else?” Remus asked. All Sirius could do was shrug, then shake is head. Remus didn’t seem satisfied with this answer, but Sirius didn’t fancy talking anymore about Emmaline.  
“I’ll go tell Madam Pomfrey that you’re awake.” He said, but Remus held his hand tighter.  
“No. Stay with me. She can check on me in the morning.” Remus scooted over in the bed. “Come. I want to cuddle.”  
“Remus, I don’t want to hurt you more,” Sirius said softly.  
“Please. It’ll make me feel better if I got to hold you.” Sirius laughed a little at his boyfriend’s cuteness. Then climbed into the bed. Remus tossed the blanket over him, then pulled him in so they were spooning. Remus nuzzled his face into the back of Sirius’ neck. Sirius relaxed at his boyfriend’s touch. Thankful he hadn’t lost him. After staying like that for a long time, not speaking, just listening to the other’s heartbeat. Just knowing the other was there and they were safe Remus murmured into Sirus’ hair, “What are we going to do Sirius?”  
Sirius thought for a moment, then responded softly, “I suppose... Just carry on as we were.”  
“But how can we? Tonight isn’t going to be the end of the bigotry.” Remus sounded so defeated.  
“I know. But if we don’t acknowledge it. If we showed that whatever they say or do isn’t going to change who we are they’ll lose the power. And eventually, give up on it.” Sirius sounded more confident then he felt. He really didn’t know if there was an end to this. He just knew that he would be alright as long as he had Remus.  
“You’re right. But let's just... not go snogging and hand-holding all over the halls. There’s no need to add fuel to the fire.” Remus said holding Sirius even closer to him. As if to say ‘I’m not going to give up on you.’  
“That sounds like a good idea.” Sirius leaned into Remus’ hold, wanting to be even closer. He closed his eyes, and Remus planted a soft kiss on the back of his head.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's just bit off fluff, but I thought it would be good to see them happy. Also, major angst coming up in the next chapter. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 10: Remus, May 1976

“‘Mr. Arrow, first of all, turned out even worse than the captain had feared. He had no command among the men, and people did what they pleased with him.’” It was a warm Saturday in early May, Remus & Sirius were sitting beneath a tree by the lake, where no one could see them. They were doing one of Remus’ favourite date activities, reading classics out loud. His deep, soft voice reading the words of Treasure Island paired with the warm May day was lulling Sirius to sleep. Sirius was sitting in between Remus’ legs, head on his chest, Remus’ arms around him holding the book. “Sirius, are you even listening?”   
“Of course, Mr.Arrow is a shitty captain, I heard.” Sirius said drowsily.  
“If you’re not having fun we can do something else.” Remus marked the page in the book and put it on the grass next to him.  
“No. I love hearing you talk. I’ll have fun as long as you’re here.”  
“You’re literally falling asleep Pads.”  
“Ok, fine. Treasure Island sounded more exciting than it is.” Sirius sat up and wrapped Remus’ arms around him tighter. “Muggle fairy tales never get it right. They know nothing about magic.”  
“That’s because they’re muggles.” Remus laughed, then kissed the top of Sirius’ head. Inhaling the scent of his ebony hair. It was like a drug he couldn’t get enough of.  
“You’re really hot Moony.” Sirius said.  
“Thank you.”   
“No- I mean yes- I mean you feel like you’re on fire. Take that stupid sweater off, you’re gonna burn up.” Sirius laughed, turning around, kneeling in front of Remus, trying to pull off the light green sweater that Remus was fighting hard to keep on. “C’mon just take off the sweater. I can see you’re overheating.” Remus would do anything but admit he was wrong to wear the knitted sweater. He mostly wore them to hide his scars. It’s not like Sirius hadn’t seen them before, but the less exposed they were the better. “Here, what if I took my shirt off too?” Sirius offered, taking off the muggle-band t-shirt he was wearing a little too enthusiastically.  
“Sirius,” Remus pretended like he didn’t enjoy seeing Sirius shirtless, but he could feel heat creeping up his neck.   
“Fine, if you insist on staying in that ridiculous sweater, how ‘bout we go in the lake to cool off,” Sirius suggested, running his hand up Remus’ chest.  
“Fine. But only wading.” Remus gave in, getting up.   
They left their shoes & socks on the grassy bank and rolled up their jeans. He took Sirius’ hand in his own and tentatively walked into the cool lake water. He felt the soft sand beneath his feet, coming up in small, swirling clouds with each step he took. The cool water was refreshing. But not as refreshing as Sirius’ giddy laugh with each step he took. Remus couldn’t help but smile.  
“Do you know how to skip rocks?” Sirius asked once they got out as far as they could without getting their jeans wet.   
“Yeah,’ He picked up a flat, smooth stone from the lake floor. “You hold it like this,” He adjusted the stone in Sirius’ hand, “Then you just kinda- flick!” They laughed as the stone Sirius tossed dropped a few feet away from where they threw it. “It’ll take some practice.” He laughed. They spent the next few minutes trying to skip stones across the glassy, blue-grey lake water. A 3rd-year student hissed a slur at them from the shore. Sirius looked perfectly unfazed by this. “How do you just ignore them?”  
“Years of practice.” Sirius responded. Sticking his tongue out a little as he attempted to skip a stone across the lake.  
“What do you mean? We’ve only been out for like 2 weeks.” Remus said, looking over at Sirius, trying to get a read on him.  
“Y’know what my mother’s like. You’ve seen the letters ‘You’re a disgrace to the name Black.’ And all that shit, kinda desensitized to insults at this point” Sirius said, laughing, but his eyes showed something different.  
“It’s just words, right? She doesn’t do anything else? Just some nasty words?” He had been suspicious Sirius’ parents were worse than he was letting on. Especially after their conversation on the Astronomy tower back in December, and after seeing the small, unexplained scars on Sirius’ back. But Remus never asked, he knew what it was like to have people press on about scars & other things you didn’t want to talk about.   
“Yeah, only words...don’t worry about it Moony.” Sirius said, giving up on the rocks, and taking Remus’ hand to go back to shore. “C’mon the full moon’s in a few days, and I want to get in as much snogging as I can,” Sirius teased into Remus’ ear, leaving a little kiss just beneath it. Remus laughed, then grabbed Sirus from behind and started tickling him until they were both down on the warm grass. They both lay there laughing. Remus turned and looked into Sirius’ smiling eyes. He didn’t feel like anything could ruin this moment. He didn’t think anything could ruin their happiness. Nothing could ever ruin this...right?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now here is 'The Prank'...I also post on Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 11: Sirius, May 1976

“What the fuck Sirius? What were you thinking?!” Sirius messed up, he messed up bad. James never yelled.  
“I-I’m sorry.” He desperately said.  
“Sorry?! Sirius, you could’ve killed him! What if Snape tells the school Remus’ secret?!” James looked crazed. They had left Peter down at the shrieking shack for Moony’s transformation, Sirius and James had gone up to the dorm to argue.  
“James, you have to believe me, I didn’t think it would get that far! I didn’t think he would actually do it!” Sirius knew his defence was weak, but it was all he had.  
“Sirius, this is Severus Snape we’re talking about! He’s been trying to figure out Remus’ secret since 3rd year!” He was pacing around the dorm yelling, Sirius was trying to stand his ground but his legs felt like they might give out any minute. “And he knows now. Because you told him how! You did. And it’ll be your fault if the secret gets out, and Moony has to leave Hogwarts.” James’ words cut him like a knife, probably because they were true.   
“James, I really am I sorry!” Sirius practically begged for forgiveness.   
“This is beyond ‘sorry’ Sirius. There’s no going back from this. We trusted you. I trusted you. He trusted you. And you broke that trust! The one thing that couldn’t get out has gotten out!” James turned to leave the dorm, probably to accompany Moony down at the shrieking shack.  
“James-” Sirius called after him.  
“No Sirius. Don’t follow. I don’t want to talk to you. And I highly doubt Remus will want to see someone who betrayed his friends.” At this statement James left the room, leaving Sirius alone.   
Sirius sank down on his bed, his mind racing through the events of the night. He told Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow. And Snape succeeded. Snape saw the wolf. James got him out of there before any real damage could be done. But now snape knew. He knew that Remus was a werewolf, and now he would tell the whole school...wouldn’t he?  
Sirius knew this was a dangerous prank, but he didn’t think his friends would be this mad about it. They hated Snape just as much as he did. He figured Snape coming face-to-face with the werewolf would teach him a lesson about sticking his greasy nose where it doesn’t belong. He never expected it to backfire like this.  
He had to make it up to the marauders. To Remus. He decided the best approach would be to take amazing notes for Remus, and bring them to him in the hospital wing, and apologize there. And then everything would go back to normal.

That’s exactly what he did. He walked down the corridor to the hospital wing admiring the stack of perfect notes he’d taken for Remus. They were certainly better than any notes he’d taken for himself.   
He walked through the hospital wing doors and easily spotted Remus sitting up in his bed, he was the only one there. “Hey! I brought you your notes!” He said approaching Remus’ bed.  
“James already brought me my notes.” Remus said cooly.   
“Oh. But I always take your notes after the moon. It’s my job.” Sirius said, glumly looking down at the notes he took.   
“Yeah, well I thought I could trust James better.” His words were razor-sharp.  
“Look Re, I’m really sorry.” Sirius pleaded.  
“This is beyond ‘sorry’ Sirius!” Remus sat up rigidly, “You think you can do dumb things, then say ‘sorry’ and everything will be better. Because so far we’ve made the mistake of allowing that. But this time it won’t work. This was too far.”  
“Moony I-”  
“Don’t call me that.” Remus’ words felt like a punch in the gut.   
“Remus, honestly, I know I messed up. And I’m sorry. But I didn’t think Snape would even get past the Whomping Willow!” Sirius tried to defend his actions. He was slipping. His entire life with Remus, James, and Peter was slipping right through his fingers.  
“You see Sirius, that’s your problem, you don’t think! Think things through! Maybe then you would’ve realized that I could’ve killed Snape!” Remus exclaimed. His face growing red with anger.  
“But you didn’t! Snape is fine! Not even a scratch on him!” He emphasized.  
“Only because James was there to save him! And if Snape tells the school I’m a werewolf I’ll be gone! Is that what you want? ‘Cause that’s what’s going to happen.” Angry wasn’t a good colour on Remus.  
“Remus, of course, I don’t want that to happen. And it isn’t going to happen!” Sirius tried to get through how sorry he was. But Remus was too far gone. Too angry to even see Sirius’ side of things.  
“But it might, and that’s what counts.” Remus had clearly reached the end of his rope, “I can’t forgive you, Sirius. I trusted you.” He spat out.  
“Remus I-” Sirius stammered.  
“Just go.” Remus gritted out.  
“Remus-”  
“Just leave me alone Sirius! Please.” Remus said angry & desperate.  
Sirius took one last long look into Remus’ amber eyes. Hoping somehow that could change the state of things. But it didn’t. He rushed out of the hospital wing, tears threatening to fall at any moment.  
He ran into Peter while trying to find an empty corridor. “Peter.” He said, hoping he still had at least one friend in the world. But Peter merely shook his head, then walked on.  
Sirius felt like all the air inside of him had left, leaving him to be crushed by the weight of his actions. He backed up to the wall and slid down it. Tears falling from his eyes. Rolling, scorching hot down his cheeks.  
He had no-one. All his friends & his boyfriend had left him. They would never forgive him. His mother had been right all along. No one loved him, no one would ever love him.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Sirius, May 1976

He’d been trying for the past week to talk to Remus, James, or Peter but they would never stick around long enough to hear him out. He never felt lonelier in his life. He spent long nights staying up, staring at the ceiling, trying to forget everything he’s ever known. Trying to navigate life without his best friends.  
That’s when he remembered, he had other friends. The Marauders weren’t the only people he had. He had Emmaline. He found her sitting at a table in the library with her best friend Violet, pouring over an essay. Lily Evans and Snivellus were sitting at a table nearby, seemingly disagreeing about something. He approached Emmaline’s table and asked, “Can I sit here?”   
“Sure.” She didn’t even look up from her paper. He pulled out his own homework, one of the benefits of having next-to-no friends was that he had a lot of time for homework. They sat in uncomfortable silence for several long moments, the only sounds were the scratching of their quills and the hushed murmurings throughout the library.  
He felt like he should say something. So he asked, “What’re you working on?”  
“What do you want Black?” She still hadn’t looked up from her essay.   
“I’m talking to you?” He wasn’t so sure he should keep talking, but he did. “Because we’re friends.”  
“Oh we’re friends now are we?” Emmaline’s head snapped up from her paper, and her brown eyes bored into him.  
“Y-yes.”  
“Really? ‘Cause about a month ago you accused me of outing you. And clearly my friendship meant nothing to you then because it’s been one month and you still haven’t apologized.” He was just now realizing how scary Emmaline was when she was angry.  
“Look, I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t my finest moment.” He said, trying to meet her eyes. But he was afraid if he did lasers would come out or something.  
She laughed and shook her head as if he had just said the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. “You’re honestly the most thick-headed person I’ve ever met Sirius Black.” She stopped laughing then met his eyes again. “You really think that just because your friends aren’t speaking to you, you can waltz right up to me, give me a half-assed apology, and I’ll come running up to you with open arms?!” He didn’t respond. He just sat there with his mouth gaping. She laughed again. “Of course that’s what you expected. Because nothing sticks with you! You do the stupidest things I’ve ever seen and no one cares! They just cheer and celebrate you because everyone loves Sirius fucking Black!” She aggressively put her books & her essay into her school bag and turned to Violet and said, “I’m finishing in the common room.” Then she marched out of the library.  
As he watched her go he noticed Evans was studying him, Snivellus tugged on her sleeve to get her to pay attention to whatever they were doing. When he looked back over to Violet she was carefully putting her things away. When she was done she also left. He leaned his head on his arms resting on the table and let out a frustrated sigh. Why did he not know how to keep a friend for the life of him?

That night he was up in the common room, his mind buzzing with thoughts. They were all so loud. ‘Everyone loves Sirius fucking Black’... That couldn’t be further from the truth. He let out a long breath, then looked back to the fire. It hurt to not wake up in Remus’ arms. It hurt his heart,his mind, his body, his soul to see Remus and James carry on without him. It hurt because he didn’t know who he was without the marauders. James was more of a brother than Regulus ever was. And Remus...Remus meant everything to Sirius. He should never have told Snape about that stupid tree. He should’ve just let it be, and got his anger out with a good stinging jinx. He hated to think he had hurt Remus the same way his parent's hurt him. Why can’t he do anything right? Why can't he have someone to love him? He wished he had James’ invisibility cloak so he could just...disappear. “Sirius?” He turned around to see where the voice had come from. He couldn’t believe it when he saw none-other-than Lily Evans.  
“Hey, Evans.”  
“What’re you doing up?” She asked, sitting down on the couch next to him.  
“I could ask you the same thing.”  
“I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts keeping me up.”  
“Same.” He avoided looking into her sympathetic eyes.  
“Whatcha been thinking about?”  
Jumping off the astronomy tower. Is what he thought “Stuff.” Is what he said.   
She didn’t seem satisfied with this answer. “C’mon Sirius, what’s really going on? You’ve seemed...lonely lately.” She was choosing her words carefully, he could tell.  
He could tell her. It was Lily. Her & Remus were prefect buddies. She’s been putting up with James’ shit for the last 5 years. “The truth is I have been lonely lately. Everyone’s mad at me. They’ve been ignoring me for a week. I have no one.” He sounded pathetic.  
She looked sadly at him. “Why’re they mad?”  
“I-I did a dumb thing- Like, a really dumb thing. I almost killed Severus Snape in the process,” She flinched at the mention of Snape, “And I’ve tried apologizing, so many times, but they won’t listen.” He didn’t know why he was telling her all this, but it felt good to have someone listen.  
“Sirius, I agree what you did was very dumb, and they have every right to be mad. However, I think ignoring their clearly sad friend is awful.” She said.  
“I just wish I had someone.”  
“You have me.” She smiled at him. He weakly smiled back. “Now, meet me here before breakfast. We’ll go down to the great hall together.” He nodded in response. “Get some sleep. Don’t worry too much about them.” She said before heading up to the girl’s dormitory. 

****

The next day he went down to the common room to find Lily had kept her promise. “Ready to go?” She asked. He nodded and they headed down to breakfast. She was chatting the whole way about her struggles with the most recent Transfiguration essay. “Y’know James is great at Transfiguration if you need help.”  
She pursed her lips and said, “I don’t need help from James Potter.” Then she quickly changed the subject.   
As they sat down at the Gryffindor table he noticed James angrily gaping at him & Lily together. Remus was looking at his porridge so intensely you could almost believe it had insulted his honour. Peter was next to Remus looking shocked and confused.

****

Later that week he and Lily were leaving the library, he had been helping her with some Astronomy charts. He pretended like helping her with the stars hadn’t brought up once beautiful memories of late nights with Remus stargazing. “Hey, Evans!” They looked forward to see James coming down the corridor.   
“James.” She acknowledged.  
“Where are you coming from?” He asked frigidly, avoiding looking at Sirius.   
“Library. Sirius was helping me with some star charts.” She sounded almost proud as she spoke.  
“You know I can help you with Astronomy.” He said, snarkily.  
“No. Sirius is much better.” She stated. “Besides, Sirius needs some friends in his life.” He really wished she would stop talking.  
“I don’t think he’s the best person to be friends with,” James said, making Sirius want to sink through the floor.   
“Well, you don’t get to decide whom and whom not I am friends with James Potter!” Lily shouted, intentionally ramming her shoulder into James’ as she stormed off. James looked back at her, seemingly regretting what he said. 

****

It was near the end of the month when James pulled him aside on their way back from Quidditch practice. “Can we talk, Sirius?” Sirius nodded, and James led them over to an empty part of the courtyard. “So you and Evans...huh?” He asked, after a few long moments.  
“Oh, no we’re not together or anything! Merlin no, she’s my friend!” Sirius defended.   
“Well, I knew that you idiot! Last time I checked you were gay!” James was clearly trying to hold back a laugh.  
Sirius laughed a little to himself. Then they fell back into an awkward silence. “Marlene McKinnon told me Emmaline cussed you out in the library the other week,” James said, trying to make small talk.  
“Yeah, I kinda fucked things up with all my friends,” Sirius said, looking down at his feet. After several more beats of silence he said, “Look, I understand you can’t forgive me. And you’ll never know how truly sorry I am. But I am really sorry. And I wish I could undo it all. But I can’t, and I’ll have to live with what I did for the rest of my life.” He met James’s eyes as he said it.  
James got a funny look on his face. Almost like a small child, trying to figure out the word they were reading before he smiled. “I forgive you, Sirius! I forgave you the other day when I saw you with Lily coming back from the library. I realized how awful I was being.” Sirius couldn’t help the smile spreading across his face. “I should’ve come to you sooner. I just- I didn’t realize- Merlin, I’ve missed you Pads.” James collapsed into Sirius, hugging him tightly. “And I don’t think it’s too late to talk to Remus either.” Sirius felt hope rising in his body.  
“Really? You think so?” He bounced on his toes, eagerly.  
“Yes, I do. A little birdie told me he’s down by the lake.” James nudged him.  
“Thank you.” Sirius smiled, before practically sprinting to the lake.  
There, he found Remus sitting under a tree reading. “Can I talk to you, Remus?” He asked.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy! I also have an Instagram account where I post this story along with other's @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 13: Remus, May 1976

“Can I talk to you, Remus?” He didn’t look up from his book to acknowledge Sirius. “Please Remus.” James must’ve put him up to this. He had been bugging Remus to talk to Sirius since that day he saw Sirius with Lily. Must be jealous. Remus tried, really tried, to ignore Sirius. But he found himself reading the same line over again, and Sirius’ insistent hovering was very distracting.  
He looked up to meet Sirius’ eyes for the first time in 2 weeks. Sirius’ face was pale, dark circles were prominent against it. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Maybe he hadn’t?   
Remus turned away from him and began to pick at the grass he was sitting on. “What do you want to talk about?” He didn’t look back up to Sirius as he asked.  
“Us.” Sirius kicked at the ground. Merlin, that boy was an idiot.  
“I don’t think there’s anything left to talk about.” He said, shortly.  
“I know- I just- I’m so sorry for hurting you,” Remus plucked harder at the grass. Was Sirius sorry? “And I get that you want us to be over. And I just want a proper ending. A proper goodbye.” Remus could see right through Sirius’ confident facade, he knew on the inside he this was killing him. Because he knew Sirius. He knew Sirius all too well.  
“I don’t want this to be the end.” He told him, still picking at the grass.  
“So you forgive me?” Remus could sense the glimmer of hope in Sirius’ voice.  
“No. I- I just can’t. Not yet.” He wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore.  
“Alright then,” Sirius said, turning to leave. That was it? He wasn’t going to argue? He was just going to accept that they were over? Something was off. This wasn’t how Sirius was. He decided to get up off his arse and have a proper conversation with Sirius.  
“Sirius wait!” He called, jogging to catch up with him.  
“No. I’m done waiting!” Sirius whipped around. “I’ve been waiting for you for so long, and I can’t anymore!” He had lost control. “I’m so sorry, Remus, for everything.”  
“Sirius, I just need time.” He said. He still didn’t really know what he wanted. He wanted to kiss him? Or punch him? Both seemed like good options.  
“Remus, I’ve given you time! I’ve given you so much time! I’ve spent every waking minute wondering if I was getting closer to your forgiveness.” Sirius sounded exhausted. “It’s only gotten harder, more tiring, more dreadful because with every minute I feel no closer to your forgiveness.” Sirius took a deep breath to calm himself. “I have to live with my mistake for the rest of my life. I’ll never get through to you how truly sorry I am.” Remus stood there, eyes wide taking it all in. He noticed his hands clenched in tight fists, he loosened them. He untensed. He met Sirius’ eyes.  
“I-I forgive you.”He said softly.   
“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it,” Sirius said he sounded so tired.  
“No, I do,” He said it louder, gaining confidence. “I forgive you, Sirius.”  
Sirius looked up, his grey eyes glistening. Merlin, he missed having those eyes in his life. They stepped towards each other, then Remus hesitated. What was he doing? Five minutes ago he hated the bloke. But did he ever truly hate him? “Sirius,” He said, putting his hand up to pause the moment, “I think- I think we should just be friends for a while.”  
“Just be friends?” Sirius’ hopeful smile drooped.  
“Yeah, it’s just- With everything that’s happened. With OWLs so soon. It all seems so fast. Like too much to just pick up where we left off. Y’know what mean?” He looked up from his hands to Sirius.  
“Yeah...I think so.” Sirius’ disappointed face made Remus’ heart ache. This was for the best.   
“And hey, I’m not talking about forever,” He put his arm on Sirius’ bicep to reassure him. His brown eyes met grey. “I mean...who knows? Later down the line, maybe we could go back to being, y’know, boyfriends.” He quirked up the corner of his mouth, in an attempted smile. He really didn’t know if this was the right decision.  
“Friends.” Sirius quirked up the corner of his mouth. Merlin, he missed this boy so much.  
“Friends.” Remus gave him a full-on smile. Sirius matched it. “I think it’s about time for supper. Shall we go?”  
“Yes. I’m starving.” Sirius laughed, Remus did too. He missed this so much. And he hoped, later down the line maybe they could go back to what they were before. But for now, friends was just fine.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of "Snape's Worst Memory'...clearly from Sirius' perspective! Hope you like it <3

Chapter 14: Sirius, June 1976

They were walking up the lawn towards the castle. A few moments ago they were relieved to be done with their OWLs, but that euphoria was quickly pulled after a particularly unpleasant altercation with Snape. James was walking in fast strides and Peter was scurrying up in a jog next to him. Sirius fell back to match stride with Remus.  
They had been friends again for nearly a month, and it had been great. Nothing had changed, there was no confrontational or awkward tension. They were friends, it felt very similar to the weeks before they had started dating. There was always a constant pull of hope in Sirius’ stomach, every time Remus brushed a little to close or when they would laugh so hard they couldn’t breathe.  
He couldn’t pretend like he didn’t miss it. He missed warm days reading and skipping rocks by the lake. He missed sleepy morning kisses. And honestly, he didn’t know how long he could be just friends. Forever. As long as Remus was in his life he would be alright. But it was hard to push away that longing. It was difficult to be just friends when he knew what it felt like to have Remus hold him, safe and warm. It was difficult when he knew what kissing Remus felt like. When he knew what it was like to call Remus ‘his’. But he would wait forever, he would climb every mountain in the world on the constant drive that at the end of the road, as their story closed he could call Remus his again.   
“Helloooo, Earth to Sirius.” James comically waved his hand in front of Sirius’ face to pull him out of his daze.  
“Sorry, I just...zoned out.” He passed a quick glance over to Remus, who was also stealing a quick glance.  
“Well, what do you think?” James asked, walking along Sirius’ other side, Peter turned around to face them, walking backwards.  
“Think about what?” Sirius asked James rolled his eyes a little, he looked back over to Remus who laughed a little and shook his head.  
“Lily rejecting me! I was defending her! I would never call her, or anyone else a-a you-know-what!” James waved his hands around in frustration.  
“Maybe she doesn’t need defending,” Remus suggested. “I mean, I’ve spent a lot of time with her doing Prefects rounds, and she’s very...strong-willed. She stands up for herself and others. She...fights for what’s right.” Sirius’ eyes were trained on Remus the entire time he spoke. Remus just had a way with words, Sirius could never get enough of hearing Remus’ voice.  
“But I do that too!” James defended. “I mean, right there I was standing up for her because I don’t believe it's right to call Muggleborns, well, you know.” He stuffed his waving hands into his robe pockets and shrugged.   
“Do you?” Sirius said, James, turned to him, a questioning look on his face. “I mean just because you- we don’t go around shouting slurs at people doesn’t mean we’re all good either.” He looked around the marauders for their input. Peter looked confused, as did James, however, Remus had a soft look on his face, his mouth hanging slightly open.  
“What’re you talking about Pads?” James asked.  
“Well, we kinda have a reputation for playing practical jokes on people. And sure sometimes they're meticulously planned. But other times it’s just throwing a Jelly-legs jinx or Bat-Bogey hex at random students.” Remus was still looking at Sirius with that funny look. “And even today, sure at the end of the day you stood up for Evans, but before that, you were already pulling Snape’s trousers down. Maybe Lily has a point. Maybe you are, hell, we all are ‘arrogant toe rags.’' He laughed a little, James and Peter seemed to understand what he was saying, and it appeared Remus’ face was stuck in that soft, gaping expression. “Well, except Remus.” He added, looking over to the boy. Remus just nodded slightly. “I mean, maybe it's time we stop with the random Hexing and Jinxing, and settle for more refined ways of causing mischief.” Sirius finished with a small grin.   
He looked over to Remus, who seemed to have composed himself, as he said with a bit of laughter, “Where’s this new, mature Sirius coming from?”  
Sirius stuffed his hands in his robe pockets, he looked to the ground and shrugged. “I dunno, just, I’ve had a lot of time to think recently. I’ve had time to open my eyes.” He shyly looked back over to Remus, who was chewing hard on his bottom lip. Sirius knew he did that when he was deep in thought.   
“So what you’re saying is that we should grow up a bit?” James said, pulling Sirius’ gaze away from Remus.  
“Yeah.”  
“I think we- I could manage that. I suppose it’s about time we retired the random jinxing anyways.” James shrugged. Sirius and Remus both smiled approvingly, as did Peter. “Starting now, we are the new, more mature Marauders, still the managers of mischief, but better mischief,” James claimed, loud for them to hear. They all cheered and laughed in approval.  
Merlin, Sirius missed this. He missed the Marauders so much, and even though they made up weeks ago, he was still so thankful to have them back in his life. He didn’t know what he would ever do if his best friends were ever pulled away from him. He turned and smiled at Remus. He loved them all so much.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow 3 chapter's in a row...I'm making up for all my procrastinating ;) This is all for tonight, more up in a few days! I also post this story along with others on my Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 15: Remus, June 1976

The Hogwarts express chugged along the tracks, another year at Hogwarts down, only two more to go. Peter and James were discussing the line-up for this year’s Quidditch Cup, and although Remus wasn’t big into Quidditch he added his own opinions every now and then. But right now he had his eyes trained on Sirius.  
Things had been different since, after OWLs, Sirius really seems to have learned from his mistakes. Now there was a thick wall of tension between them. He couldn’t quite place what type of tension. It definitely wasn’t confrontational, or awkward. It was almost...sexual. Remus knew exactly the thing that would break this unnameable wall of tension between him and Sirius. But no...he couldn’t. Sirius seemed really out of sorts. He was looking dazed out the window. He clearly wasn’t paying any attention at all to the conversation. He was just sitting there, staring, circling a stitch in his side. Looking gorgeous. Remus wished he knew the thoughts that were whirring around in Sirius’ head.   
The tension was pressing on him, he was boiling. “Merlin, it’s hot in here.” He said more to himself than anyone else. He reluctantly pulled off the navy-blue sweater he was wearing, so he was just in the grey t-shirt he was wearing underneath. James quirked up a curious eyebrow, clearly, the compartment was at a perfectly comfortable temperature for him. Sirius didn’t even look over at all.   
“C’mon Wormtail, let’s go see what Frank’s up to,” James said standing up to leave.  
“Why? We can see him later.” Peter whined. “We’ll miss the trolley.”  
“We’ll get stuff from the trolley at Frank’s compartment. He’s just in the next car.” James was looking anxiously between Peter and Remus. Trying to send a message telepathically. It wasn’t working.   
“Is this another scheme to see Lily?” Peter ployed.  
“No. I just want to see Frank.” James said shortly.   
“Fine.” Peter stood up, reluctantly, “Are you coming Moony? Padfoot?”  
“No, I think we’ll stay here.” Remus smiled, gesturing for them to go. James threw a not-so-stealthy wink at Remus before leaving down the train with Peter. I guess Remus wasn’t the only one feeling this tension.  
Now here they were. Alone in a train compartment. The wall of tension was suffocating. It seemed everything was setting Remus on edge most notably Sirius’ knee which was bouncing up and down rapidly. Remus knew it was because Sirius was anxious. Remus was worried, what was Sirius’ family really like? What were they going to do to him? No. Don’t think like that. It’ll be fine.   
“Stop that.” He reached across to put his hand on Sirius’ bouncing knee. Remus’ touch seemed to snap Sirius out of his trace because he looked away from the window right to Remus’ hands. Then his eyes.   
Sirius looked at Remus, curiously for a few beats before saying. “You took off your sweater.”  
“Yeah. I was hot.” Remus watched a flush creep up Sirius’ neck.  
He looked back down to his hand, still on Sirius’ knee. Then back up to Sirius’ grey eyes. Now he was blushing too. They looked into each other’s eyes, time escaping them. The wall of tension growing bigger and heavier. It was more suffocating. Remus wanted so badly to break it. So he did.  
He put both his hands on Sirius' thighs and used them as leverage to propel forward and plant a long-overdue kiss on Sirius’ lips. He missed this so much. He was about to pull away when Sirius wrapped his hands around Remus and kissed him back, desperately. As their kisses got longer deeper the tension seemed to melt away. Because this was right, this was how it was meant to be. Sirius’ arms around him. Sirius’ lips on his. This is how it was always going to be.  
“I don’t think I can handle being just friends anymore.” Remus gasped out, quickly, between deep prolonged kisses.  
“Me-- either,” Sirius said, desperately, pulling Remus closer. After staying in this position, lips locked, only stopping for quick breaths, Remus reluctantly pulled away. Sitting back on the seat across from Sirius. He took Sirius’ hand in his.   
“Sirius, do you want to try again? Will you be my boyfriend?” He asked, looking into his sparkling grey eyes.  
“Yes. That’s what I’ve wanted all along.” Sirius breathed out, smiling. Remus smiled back. Remus swiftly moved over to sit next to him. He pulled Sirius in for a softer kiss.  
“I’ve missed this so much.” He mumbled into Sirius’ mouth. Sirius smiled against his lips.  
“Promise you’ll write to me every day, Moony?” Sirius asked softly.  
“I promise. Can we also promise to always believe each other? Promise to always be there for comfort? Promise to always have each other’s backs? Promise to never keep secrets?” Remus asked, eyes focused on Sirius.  
Sirius smiled, “I promise! I promise! I promise all those things and a million more!” Then he collapsed onto Remus’ shoulder. Remus put his arm around him. They stayed like that the rest of the train ride. Soaking up these last few hours together. Listening to each other’s heartbeats.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Mentions of abuse and homophobia
> 
> Hope you enjoy! I also post on Instagram @Lovingwolfsstar

Chapter 16: Remus, July 1976

Remus heard the loud tapping at his window, the unmistakable sound of an owl with an urgent message. He let the large barn owl into his room and took the letter attached to its leg. The letter was from James.

Dear Remus,   
Sirius came to my door at 1 am with his stuff, all bloodied up, crying. Please come...he needs you. - James 

Sirius.  
Remus quickly pulled on a jumper and a pair of jeans, threw on some shoes and went to take the Floo Network to the Potter’s house. He grabbed a handful of Floo powder from the mantlepiece, stepped into the dying embers and said loud & clear “The Potter’s house!” And with a quick pull, he was there.   
He landed in the Potter’s own fireplace, and stomped out, brushing ash off of his grey sweater. Sirius was sitting on a chair in the Potter’s living room, he had a large gash on his cheek, and a bruise forming on his jaw. Something told Remus these weren’t the only injuries. James was on the couch trying to talk to him in a lighthearted tone, but all notes of concern were written on his face. Mr. & Mrs. Potter were talking in hushed voices in the kitchen.   
“Pads, what happened? What’s going on?” He asked, kneeling down at Sirius’ feet and holding his hands. Sirius said nothing, instead, he pulled his gaze away from Remus, and intently focused on the arm of the chair. “James,” Remus said looking over to his friend, “What happened?”   
“He won’t tell me,” James said, “He just came to our door asking if he could live here. My dad healed the worst of his injuries. He looked like a walking corpse when he got here.” James said, in a choked tone. These words discouraged Remus. Sirius was never this quiet. He looked back over to Sirius and watched sparkling tears roll down his pale, bruised cheeks. The picture broke his heart. Remus realized this was the first time he had seen his boyfriend cry.  
“Sirius, what happened?”  
Through gasping breath’s Sirius choked out, “I told her...I told her about us…”  
“Told who?” Although Remus didn’t really have to ask.  
“My mother.” Sirius said in a hoarse whisper. The Black family is a noble, pureblood family. Marrying anyone but a pureblood was seen as disgraceful in its self. Their eldest son, their heir being gay and dating a half-blood was possibly the most disgraceful thing someone could do in the eyes of his mother. Sirius continued to sob, he managed to say, “She wasn’t too happy about it,” Sirius’ lip quivered as he looked above Remus, out the window, “Sh-she-she used the Cruciatus curse on me.” Remus felt his heart shatter, it ached for his boyfriend. Who could ever use an unforgivable curse on their own son?  
“SHE WHAT?!” James yelled from behind. He stood up, pacing the room, “I’m going to kill her! I’m gonna go to Grimmauld place and-and give her a taste of her own medicine!” Remus didn’t say anything, he just pulled Sirius int a tight hug that said it all. He had two burning questions, one he thought he knew the answer too, and one he hoped he was wrong about.   
He asked the first, “Was this the first time?” He looked directly into Sirius’ steely grey eyes as he asked.   
“No.” Sirius gasped out, so soft, so broken. “She’s used it for punishments since I was 11. The-the Cruciatus was-is one of her many forms of-of p-punishment. It got worse when I was sorted into Gryffindor, when I started to ignore my family’s ideology.” His large sobs subsided and turned into fat years rolling down his cheeks.  
“That’s awful Padfoot.” said James, looking stunned, “No parent should use unforgivables on their kid.”  
“It’s not like I didn’t deserve it.” Sirius mumbled.   
“NO.” Remus said, determined, looking Sirius straight in the eye, “Whatever she told you, whatever she said it isn’t true. No one deserves to be abused for not getting into their preferred house, or for being gay!” Sirius’ eyes, swimming with tears, looked into Remus’ amber eyes. That look said it all. That look, those eyes swam with love & gratitude. Remus still had another question, the one he hoped he was wrong about. “Did Regulus tell her?”  
“No,” Sirius said, slightly offended, loosening the embrace. “He would never. It was- She started intercepting my mail. First, she found letters to Emmaline, and she wasn’t too pleased to find that I was ‘fraternizing with muggle-borns’, of course, she didn’t say ‘muggle-born’. They locked me in my room until I stopped writing to her. They never said anything about my other friends.” He turned to look at Remus, “So I kept writing to you. Then-then she found the letters. All of them. She found out I was gay. She found out I was dating you.” Sirius broke out into a new round of sobs. Through gasps, he choked out. “My father called me a disgrace to the family name, he called me foul, told me he was disgusted - sob - My mother said that I should never let such ‘vile’ thoughts into my head, And that - sob - She new the best way to get rid of my ‘condition’. Then she did it. She used the Cruciatus curse for the longest she ever has. Then- then they kept using hexes, jinxes, curses, every kind of dark magic they could think of, told me they wouldn’t stop until I broke up-up with you. - sob - I would never do that. So when they took a break between curses to let me ‘make my choice’, I made a break for it.” Once Sirus was done he broke down in Remus’ arms, collapsing his head into his chest. Remus found himself crying too. Large, hot tears rolled down his face.  
“Fuck.” Was all James could say. Remus embraced Sirus, tight, and kissed the top of his head.   
“You’ll get through this. We’ll help you through this.” He mumbled into his hair, “We’ll protect you. We’ll keep you safe. James and I will never hurt you. I hate that this happened. I hate that you’ve been holding onto this for all these years.”  
“You’ll always have a place here with us Pads.” James said, putting his arm on Sirius’ shoulder.  
Remus found all his love, sadness, and anger too overwhelming, all he could muster without screaming and crying in rage was a soft, “We love you.” Mumbled so lowly, he didn’t think Sirius heard it.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Abuse and homophobia
> 
> Remus has some wise words...I hope you enjoy! <3

Chapter 17: Sirius, September 1976

“This looks like the only empty one,” Peter said gesturing to the compartment at the very end of the train.   
“Looks perfect!” James exclaimed, entering the compartment. “And Lily is just down the corridor, but this year without Snivellus!” James was so elated by the fact that Lily Evans was no longer friends with Snape, Sirius almost felt bad for the guy.  
“Well, I got to go. Prefects meeting.” Remus said putting his stuff away, then planting a kiss on Sirius’ cheek before leaving the compartment. Sirius settled down into the seat across from James & Peter. They were having a particularly boring conversation about Merlin-knows-what.   
His mind wandered to memories of this summer. It was the best summer ever. Remus came over to the Potter’s nearly every day, the exception being the days following the full moon. Peter also came by for Quidditch games and supper on the weekends. Despite the amazing summer at the Potter’s it didn’t start off that good. His mind lulled in the warm train compartment. He found himself slowly drifting off to sleep;

He was standing in the middle of the sitting room. His entire body shaking. “Who is Remus?!?!” His mother bellowed. He didn’t respond. “He’s your boyfriend! You have a boyfriend! You’re an (f-slur)!”  
“So what if I am?! What are you going to do about it!” He shouted right back. She threw all the letters in the fireplace. He watched them burn up.   
“You’re a disgrace to the name Black!” His father shouted, right up in his face. “You are foul! I’m disgusted to even look at you!” He could feel his father’s spit hitting his face. His eyes were shut tight. He didn’t respond.  
“You should never have let such vile thoughts into your head. Never have I seen a mind so corrupted. Associating with mudbloods, halfbreeds, blood-traitors, is disappointing enough. And now you have lost your mind to homosexuality!” His mother cried, “I think I know the best way to correct this broken mind.” His mother pointed her wand wat his chest. He didn’t move. “Crucio.”   
His entire body was wracked with pain. He didn’t think the pain would stop. So. Much. Pain. He wanted it to stop. It hurt so bad. His parents were shouting things at him. So. Much. Pain. He didn’t know what they were saying. His mind was foggy. So. Much. Pain.  
It stopped. He was sitting on the ground. Trying to breathe. “Well, I’ll give you two options. End all contact with this Remus boy, or we torture you until your eyes are crossed.” He glared up at her through his hair.  
“I’ll never end things with Remus.” He said, through gritted teeth. The next thing he knew he was hit with more pain. He was being thrown. Things were thrown at him. It wouldn’t stop. He wanted it all to stop. He wanted to just give up. Regulus shouted something. Regulus was saying things to them. He felt deep gashes and bruises across his body. Every molecule in him hurt with white-hot pain. It wouldn’t stop. Regulus shouted something. The pain wouldn’t stop. Regulus shouted something. Regulus was talking to them. Then the pain stopped. He was shaking... Someone was talking to him...He was shaking...He could see light...he was shaking...He heard a voice… He was shaking.

“Sirius! Please! Wake up!” He opened his eyes, just a fraction, to find Remus standing above him, shaking him awake. “It’s not real! Wake up!” Sirius was drenched in a cold sweat. 2 hours had passed since boarding the train. Relief flooded through him. It was just a nightmare. A very real nightmare. “Sirius, what happened? Are you ok?” Remus had his arms on Sirius’ shoulders, gripping tight. His brown eyes searching his face. A rush of love filled Sirius.  
“Yeah, I’m fine, just a...” He wasn’t really sure what had happened. He was asleep. He had definitely been dreaming. But everything he saw was real. That’s exactly how it all happened.  
“A nightmare.” Remus finished the sentence, brushing some hair out of Sirius’ face.  
“Yeah, kinda. Something like that anyway.” Sirius shrugged. Tugging on Remus sweater for him to sit down. He complied and sat down next to Sirius. Sirius leaned on Remus’ chest. Holding onto his shirt.  
“Here, have some chocolate, it’ll make you feel better.” He broke off half of his chocolate bar and gave it to Sirius. He took it and nibbled it. Still burying half of his face in Remus’ slightly scratchy blue sweater. Remus ran his fingers through his hair, gently.   
James and Peter settled back down onto the seat across from them. They both looked like they had seen a ghost. “What’s chocolate going to fix?” James asked, looking at the chocolate Remus gave Sirius skeptically.  
Remus smiled at them and simply said, “Chocolate fixes everything.”


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Remus, September 1976

It was the first day of classes, and the dorm was chaotic. James was constantly fussing with his hair, Peter was frantically looking for his tie, Remus was just about ready, and Sirius was still sound asleep. Remus threw a pillow at him, “Get up, stupid!”  
“Good morning to you too.” Sirius huffed, burying his face further into his pillow.  
“Get up! We’re going to be late for breakfast!” Remus whined.  
“I have no energy. You need to give me a kiss to get me up!” Sirius turned away from his pillow and puckered his lips. Remus bent down to kiss him. As he leaned over him, Sirius pulled Remus down on top of him. They planted soft smooth kisses onto each other’s lips, and for a moment they felt like they were floating away into euphoria.  
However, their sleepy morning kisses were interrupted by James throwing a pillow at them and telling them to “Get a room.” Remus climbed off of Sirius and pulled him out of bed.  
“Awake now?”  
“Very.” 

They were sitting in the great hall, Sirius next to Remus, James and Peter across from them. All happily enjoying their breakfast. “Sirius, ex-girlfriend coming up behind you.” James warned, nodding his head towards Emmaline Patricks, a 5th year Ravenclaw.  
“Hey! Emmaline!” Sirius shouted and waved. This made Remus twitch.  
“Oh, Sirius! I have something for you!” She called, rushing over to where they were sitting. Her best friend, Violet, in tow. Remus felt a pang of jealousy. He didn’t know Sirius and his ex were still in contact, let alone buying gifts for each other.  
“Hi, Peter.” Violet said, giving a shy smile. Peter, caught off guard by a pretty girl smiling at him, opened his mouth to say ‘hi’ back, but a piece of egg fell out instead.  
He flushed, embarrassed, “Hi.” Violet giggled, then looked the other way.  
“Found it!” Emmaline exclaimed, producing a small object from her bag and passing it to Sirius. “I thought it would look cool on your leather jacket.”  
Why was she thinking about what Sirius wore? As a way to tell Emmaline to ‘keep her hands off’ he grabbed Sirius’ free hand that was resting on the table.  
“Oh sweet! Thanks, Em!” Em? They were on a nick-name basis? “Hey Re, look what she got me!”  
He showed Remus a small, heart-shaped pin, with the pride-flag design on it. “Nice,” Remus said, trying to sound casual.  
“Where did you get this? I’ve never seen anything like it.” Sirius asked Emmaline.  
“A muggle shop. Honestly, you purebloods really need to get out more.” She shook her head laughing, Sirius laughed too. “Well, we gotta go. Bye guys!” She waved and smiled at them.  
“Bye Peter.” Violet waved. Peter, again, caught off guard, began to choke on his water. James gave him a slap on the back to get it down. But before Peter could say ‘bye’ back, the girls were too far away.  
“What did she get you?” Peter asked. Sirius held up the pin for them all to see, smiling proudly.  
“Cool.” Peter shifted in his seat.  
“I didn’t know you guys started talking again,” James said.  
“Oh yeah, we started talking again at the start of the summer. Sorted through our differences and such. Not a lot though, just a few owls before my mother got involved. Oh, don’t look so jealous Remus.” Sirius teased.  
“I’m not jealous!” Remus said, a little too high-pitched for his liking.   
“Well, the colour of your face and your grip on my hand says different.” Remus suddenly became very aware of how warm his face was, it was most likely a brilliant shade of scarlet. And his grip on Sirius’ hand was so tight his knuckles were white. Remus smiled shyly.  
“You’re so cute.” Sirius teased.  
“Why’d you guys break up anyway?” James asked, trying to divert the conversation.   
“Mutual reasons.” Sirius said casually. That’s what he always said about their break-up. Remus didn’t know why he was so jealous of Emmaline. From what he knew she was a very nice and smart girl. She wouldn’t try to get back with Sirius. Right? And what did ‘mutual reasons’ mean? No...stop. He told himself, trying to push jealous thoughts out of his mind.   
“You know Peter,” Remus said, trying to take attention off of his redding face. “I’d say that Violet girl fancies you.”   
“Really? You think so?” Peter said, raising from his seat.  
“And I’d say he fancies her.” Sirius teased. Peter lowered himself back into his seat.  
“Anyway, I have a great idea for a prank to pull on Slughorn this week! Y’know, just a little welcome back prank.” James proposed. They spent the rest of breakfast planning the prank. Remus couldn’t help the jealous thoughts still lingering in his head.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for anxiety!

Chapter 19: Remus, November 1976

Remus looked at his reflection in the mirror. His curly cinnamon-brown hair, light brown eyes, and warm-pale skin. But the thing he hated most about his appearance was, unfortunately, his most prominent feature. His scars.   
The full moon had been 4 days ago and this was his first day back in class. This full moon he had given himself a terrible new scar. It started in the middle of his cheek and finished at the back of his jaw. It was slightly jagged if you looked closely and because it was new, pink & puffy. He started to pick at the scar.  
“Stop that.” Sirius said gently, coming up behind him. He wrapped his arms around Remus and rested his chin on Remus’ shoulder.  
“I can’t help it. Merlin, it’s so ugly.” Remus looked hopelessly into the mirror.  
“No, it’s not. I like it.” Sirius kissed Remus’ temple, then went back to looking at their reflection in the mirror.   
Remus frowned, “Everyone’s going to ask where it came from.”   
“I’ll tell them, my badass boyfriend got into hand-to-hand combat with a troll.” Sirius retorted. Remus sighed and parted himself from Sirius’ arms.  
“We should get to class.” He mumbled as he picked up his book bag. 

They walked down the busy corridor to Defense Against the Dark Arts. He & Sirius weren’t holding hands, they rarely did in the corridors, you never knew what people would say.  
They entered the classroom, it wasn’t quite full yet. The professor was organizing things on his desk. James & Peter sat down at the desk in front of them. Remus leaned his elbow on the desk and began to pick at the raised skin of his scar.  
“Don’t do that.” Sirius said, taking Remus’ hand and moving it away from the scar.  
“I can’t help it. I do it subconsciously.” Remus defended.  
“Well do it...consciously then! Use your brain, I know you have a great one.” Sirius said, still holding Remus’ hand.  
Remus scoffed. “I’ll try.” They were still holding hands. They never held hands for this long, in front of this many people. Severus Snape grumbled something that made Sirius drop his hand.  
“Alright, class!” The professor said, standing up and addressing the class. “Today we will be continuing yesterday’s lecture on defending & killing rare, extremely dangerous creatures! In this lesson, we will be discussing werewolves.”   
Remus felt a large pit emerge in his stomach. It was as though he had swallowed a boulder. With each word, the professor said the boulder turned. His skin crawled, as the professor described, in detail one of the many ways to kill werewolves. As the professor described why werewolves were exceedingly dangerous he felt dirty. He felt like all eyes were on him. Images of his friends killing him the next full moon flashed through his mind. He wouldn’t blame them if they did, it would be better for everyone.  
Then he felt a warm hand touch his leg under the desk. He looked up and met Sirius’ steely grey eyes. And for a moment he felt alright, it was just him and Sirius. He also noticed Sirius hadn’t taken any notes.  
“You should take notes of this, so you don’t fail the essay.” He whispered.  
“I’d rather fail then write any of this bullshit down.” Sirius whispered back.  
“Now, a regular killing curse won’t be strong enough against a full-grown werewolf, which is why the most effective method to kill the beast is…” The professor’s words crept back into his ears. He looked away from Sirius. The boulder turning faster, his skin crawling worse than ever. They are going to kill him. They should. He felt sweat trickle across his forehead. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his trousers. He felt hot and closed-off, like he was being crushed against the walls.  
“Professor,” Sirius’ voice rang in ears, “Remus is ill, can I take him to Madam Pomfrey?” Remus’ eyes went blurry.   
“Oh my. Yes, go,” The professor dismissed them, “Just don’t forget about the essay on killing werewolves, foot-and-a-half, due next Friday.”  
“Trust me, we won’t forget,” Sirius said. Remus felt an arm lift him off his seat, pick up his bag and guide him down the aisle, out the door. Out in the hall, he felt cooler but no calmer.   
Sirius led them to an empty classroom. “Sit down.” Remus began to pace instead. “Moony, sit, please. You’ll feel better.” He kept pacing.  
Remus paced and paced the width of the room so many times. Breathing long, shaky, inconsistent breaths. Sirius sat and watched from a chair. His worried eyes following him.   
Eventually, he stopped pacing and leaned his elbows and forehead on the cool stone wall. He released shaky breaths.   
Sirius walked up to him, “Can I hold you?” Remus nodded. He couldn’t talk. He couldn’t breathe. Sirius put an arm around his shoulder and the other on his upper arm. He went to guide them to a chair. However, Remus’ legs gave out on him, so they sat on the floor instead.   
Sirius put Remus in between his legs, and stroked his hair, “I could tell you how much I despise that teacher, but I don’t think that would be much help.” Sirius said softly.   
Remus laughed lightly, but then felt his lungs contract. “Can’t- breathe-” He gasped out, choking for air.  
“Shhhh, I got you. Breathe with me. In...out...in...out.” Soon Remus’ shaky breaths matched pace with Sirius’. He leaned back agaist Sirius’ chest, focusing on breathing. “Can you hear my heartbeat?” Sirius asked. Remus nodded, still catching his breath. “It’s beating that fast because that’s how much I care about you. I won’t let anything happen to you. And I don’t believe a thing that stupid professor says, and neither should you. James and Peter also don’t believe that bullshit. And trust me, we aren’t planning on doing that essay.” Sirius said while kissing the top of Remus’ head. Remus smiled slightly.  
“Thank you...for being here.” Remus said, exhausted.   
“I’ll always be here for you.” Remus felt his tense body loosen at these words. “And if, for whatever reason, you find yourself needing me and I’m not there, look to the brightest star in the sky,” Sirius said into Remus’ hair. Remus listened with rapt attention. “That star’s called-”  
“Sirius.” Remus finished his sentence.  
“Yes. Look at that star. I’ll be looking at it too. It’ll guide you.” Remus nodded, turning to press a light kiss onto his lips.   
“I always will.” Sirius smiled at this response. Remus went to lean back against Sirius’ chest again. He listened to his heartbeat, a little off sync with his own. He thought he heard Sirius mumble something into his hair, but he didn’t quite catch what it was.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: Sirius, November 1976

“Hey Pads, Moony’s down in the common room if you’re looking for him,” Peter said, collapsing on his own bed, and tossing the marauder’s map to Sirius.   
“Thanks, just finishing up this homework for charms.” Sirius, scribbling down the last few words.  
“I must say not having an essay to write for Defense Against the Dark Arts sure leaves one with lots of spare time,” James said while coming up with a game plan for the next Quidditch match.  
“I’ll say, I actually have time to do my other homework.” Sirius laughed, putting away his books. “Well, I’m off to pester Moony, see ya later!” He said, swinging his legs off the bed, and bouncing to the door.   
“Give him a kiss from us!” James called.  
“Always do!” Sirius called back. He bounced down the stairs two at a time. Once he reached the bottom he spotted Remus sitting at a table, pouring over some books, while frantically writing things down. What’s he working on? There was a crease between his brows, and as Sirius got closer he noticed his hand was shaking as he copied things down. Sirius wrapped his arms around him from behind and planted a soft kiss on his temple. “S’from Prongs & Wormtail.” He murmured, Remus laughed a little, but remained focused on his work. Sirius planted another kiss on his jaw. “That one’s from me.” Remus laughed again, but never looked away from his papers. “C’mon, let’s go do something fun! I got the map!”   
“I’m kinda busy right now.” Remus said, scratching out a sentence, then writing something else in its place.   
“What’ca working on anyway?” Sirius leaned further over a suddenly tense Remus to see what he was writing. His eyes widened in horror as he saw the first sentence of the essay Remus was writing.

In my studies, I have determined some of the most effective ways to kill a werewolf are…

Sirius snatched up the papers to get a better look at them. “What is this shit, Remus?” He said accusingly.   
Remus stood up as well, “It’s my Defense Against the Dark Arts essay.” He said, trying to grab the papers out of Sirius’ hands, Sirius held them back out of his reach. “Give it back, Sirius.”  
“No! I thought we all agreed we weren’t going to write this essay because it’s barbaric and stupid!” Sirus said, looking directly into Remus’ eyes. Remus looked away, ashamed.  
“Look- I- we have to do it. We can’t just ignore assignments we don’t like!” Remus said, waving his arms around.  
“Yes, we bloody well can!” Sirius strode towards the fire, Remus chasing after him. Sirius tossed the essay into the flames.  
“Sirius! I’ve been working on that for the last 3 days!” Remus whined.  
“I’m not sorry! It’s for your own good.” Remus sighed. “C’mon let’s go down to the kitchens.”   
“You just burned my essay, and now you expect me to sneak off to the kitchens with you?” Remus smirked. Sirius was thankful he wasn’t that mad. Did he look almost, relieved?   
“Yes,” He picked up Remus’ hand to pull him along, Remus stayed put, “There’ll be chocolate cake.” He offered in a sing-song voice. Remus gave in reluctantly. 

They snuck off to the kitchens without talking much, but Sirius was perfectly alright with that. Once down at the kitchens Remus pulled himself up onto a wooden table, while Sirius asked a house elf for some chocolate cake.   
“You’re quiet tonight,” Sirius commented, standing in front of Remus, Remus still had that crease at his brow. “Is everything alright Moony?”  
Remus seemed to be lost in thought, “Yeah...yeah- just…” He hesitated, “I guess just writing that essay kinda got to me a bit”  
Sirius frowned, and ran his hands up the sides of Remus’ thighs in a comforting way. “None of that stuff is true. Werewolves don’t deserve to die. You don’t deserve to die.” He said softly, looking into Remus’ eyes.   
Remus looked down, “I mean, I wouldn’t blame you guys if one full moon you just...pulled the trigger. I mean...I’ve only been a burden.” Sirius felt his heart drop to his knees. How could Remus ever think like that?  
“No. No!” He cupped Remus; cheeks, forcing Remus to look at him. “We would never want to kill you. We are never going to kill you! We- merlin, Remus how could you ever think that! I think if you ever died I would drown myself in firewhiskey to join you! I would throw myself in front of a killing curse any day if it meant saving you. You aren’t a burden. We love joining you during full moons. Hell, we became illegal animagi for you. Does that really seem like something werewolf killers would do?” Remus closed his eyes, a small tear rolling down his cheek. Sirius wiped it away with his thumb.   
His heart was breaking. He loved this man so much. How could he ever think I’d want to kill him. I would fall apart if anything ever hurt him. I love him. Can’t he see that? Maybe he needs to hear it, to believe it?  
“But what if I attacked one of you? What if I hurt one of you? Wouldn’t that change things? I’m just so...afraid of hurting one of you.” Remus looked so helpless. Sirius didn’t know how to fix this. He just wanted to scream at him that they would never hurt him.  
“Remus, that wouldn’t change a thing. We all love you. Anything the wolf did wouldn’t change a thing. We will never hurt you. And we know that you would never hurt us. You have to believe that.” Sirius said, holding Remus’ face firmly. He wiped away a few more tears.   
“Y-you’re right. I’m being stupid.” Remus said, half-heartedly. Sirius pulled Remus forward and kissed his forehead. Remus looked up, his beautiful brown eyes glistening. “Thank you...for- burning my essay.” He said it a small voice.  
Sirius laughed lightly, “That’s what I’m here for.” A small smile quirked up the corner of Remus’ lips. Sirius looked over to their side, where a house elf had placed a finished chocolate cake. “Looks like the cake’s done.” He passed Remus a fork. They dug into the cake, Remus’ eyes glowed, and a huge, adorable smile erupted onto his face as he took a bite. Sirius couldn’t help a smile emerging on his own face. Merlin, he loved him so much. “I guess you were right, chocolate does fix everything.”


End file.
